God's grace...In a thousand gifts

Today, I am celebrating Valentine's Day by counting God's love-notes to me. I am reading this book... (if you click on the image, it will take you to the author's blog)...

and the book in itself has been a grace gift from God. I needed the reminder...the reminder that we will never experience the fullness of our salvation until we are living minutes, days, LIVES of gratitude for God's continual grace to us. His grace did not stop at the cross...it is a continual gift, maybe in the form of frosty breath on windows, a hand to hold when life gets rough, gooey chocolate brownies, a slobbery peck on the cheek from a little one...

I'm learning the practice of thanksgiving...of counting God's graces, and in doing so, impregnating my life, my days, with new wonder and awareness of God's goodness. We say it so flippantly--"God is good...all the time"--but do we really believe it with our lives? It is only when I take the time to stop, to pull out a pen and my journal and write out these simple and not so simple goodnesses, that I truly understand down to my toes what those complex and yet painfully easy-to-say words mean. God is good...all the time. All the time.

And so...the counting begins. The challenge is to make out, to take hold and hold onto, a thousand grace-gifts. And yet, somehow I have a feeling that a thousand will turn into two thousand before the days of this year role into the next. Because God IS good all the time...every second and minute and hour and day. And He never grows weary of telling us, lavishing our lives with gifts of the sweetest kind. Today, my list grows, and I am thankful.


204. a new start...every day!
205. blankets piled atop my frozen-no-more toes
206. a chance to learn incredible things about the human body
207. little chocolates in a tiny red mailbox
208. a bird chirping in the creeping warmth
209. A phone call...declaring that a beautiful child of God--once an orphan, now a forever KIRK--will be coming HOME forever! (see details HERE)

my "thankful board"

He loves me...enough to tell me every day in a thousand new ways. What beautiful gifts has He given you today?

Because He is...

Faithful, I will...
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Keep recounting His blessings.
Keep longing for Him.

I shared that I have been struggling with, well, being thankful. Do you ever have those days (or months, or years) when life just seems unfair? When everyone around you seems happier and more content than you? Yeah, well...I have had some of those days recently. Let me tell ya...it ain't pretty either! After wallowing with...
some G*lmore G*rls and toenail polish, I gave up and let God work on me.

Friends, He is so faithful.

I decided to pull one of those stunts Bible heroes always seemed to perform and asked God for a sign. Something, anything to tell me that I'm on the right track...that this seemingly never ending footrace of life I'm running will actually end up somewhere.

I didn't get a lightning bolt or anything of the kind, but God was gracious to reach out and care for my broken heart. I was reading about Moses leading the people out of Egypt, and I stumbled upon some verses I don't ever remember reading before:

"When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.' So God led them in a round-about way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea. Thus the Israelites left Egypt like an army ready for battle" (Ex. 13:17-18).

Wow. God's people were leaving slavery, fleeing bondage that had been a part of their story for years...and God took them the long way out. He was protecting them...from unnecessary battles, from enemies, from themselves. I'm sure they questioned His directions, wondered why they had to trudge further than was necessary when they were just so ready to be free. They didn't have the full story, though...but HE did, and He knew exactly what He was doing!

There are so, so many times that I wonder, "When, God? When will {fill in the blank} happen?" I question why I have to do it this way. And then I am reminded, through this passage, that I do not see the big picture. I do not know what He is protecting me from. Maybe He is taking me the long way around to protect me from myself, from my own weakness and vulnerability. Maybe He is protecting me from unnecessary battles, all the while equipping and preparing me for the REAL battle.

While waiting is hard {especially when everyone else seems to be there already}, I will keep on trusting...keep on putting one foot in front of the other...keep dwelling in thanksgiving, because HE IS FAITHFUL and HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.
I will not be shaken.

A Divine Roadtrip

I've struggled a lot recently...with waiting, with trusting God for my future, with jealousy as I watch other beautiful people doing the very things I long to be doing. Today, I began to wonder if my issue had less to do with trusting God...and more to do with believing God too much. I mean, I KNOW that He is only going to do what is best for me...that's what gets me. What if I don't like His best?

Tonight, as I was driving home in the dark, I realized that I had allowed the illusion of surrender to give me a false sense of humility before God. It's like I am headed out on a divine road trip with God, and I say, "Wherever you want to take me...I'm game!" Only thing is, I have a pretty good idea of where I want to be going, so I add, "Well, Florida's lookin' pretty good, though...or maybe Montana? I've heard there's good skiing out there." Then, daunted by the idea that God just might take me to somewhere like Iowa {where, by the way, the cornfields just might swallow me whole}, I say, "You know what, here's the map, complete with step by step instructions on how to get to where I want to go...On the bottom, you'll see the full itinerary! Don't forget to stop for gas, though!" Fake surrender.

Honestly, there is a part of me that wants to settle for a "Saul"...for easy fulfillment, for a quick fix to my deepest desires. Sometimes I find myself saying, "God, I'm tired of waiting. Can you just give me what I want, even if it's not best?" Oh Lord, save me. I don't want to settle for less than God's best...I want to give the wheel--and the map--completely to Him. Hands off, I'm outta here. Even if that means I have to wait longer than is comfortable. Even if it means I end up in the cornfields of Iowa instead of the thrilling mountains of Montana. Even if it means I have to be on 'standby' while seemingly everyone else is hopping on a plane to their ultimate destination. Complete surrender.

Somewhere along that road I believe there is an insurmountable joy and peace to be found...and I want to find it.

The Day the World Stopped

My Daddy and I two weeks before He saw Jesus

To be honest, I don't really remember the day I found out my beloved grandmother was dying. Brutal honesty? I had wondered when it would happen for quite some time. Gruesome, I know, but she was pushing 97...and she was oh-so-ready to leave this earth. July 2009. Pancreatic cancer, the devil of all cancers, claimed her earthly body less than a week after she was diagnosed.

Two months later, my dad was diagnosed with the same devil. I do remember that day; I remember like it was yesterday. I remember the terrifying anticipation, knowing that tests were being performed and suspicions had been raised. I remember the tears I wept, against my stubborn will to maintain all composure, as I sat in class waiting for my mom to call with the results. I remember the annoying sympathy, the he'll-be-okay looks and the i-have-no-idea-what-to-do-with-you hugs. All the while, I just wanted to scream, "You have no stinkin' idea the kind of abyss my world is slipping into!"

Then the call came. It was weird. As the words, words I already knew and had rehearsed in my head, came out of my Mom's mouth, an eerie peace sank over me. Resolution gained control over out-of-control emotions. I had to go home, to face the beast head-on. I had to save my Dad, because I knew he was dying.

Ten incredibly short--and yet, brutally long--months later, my Daddy went to be with Jesus. My world stopped. I didn't know how to live, how to have passion and dreams again. I just got out of bed and did meaningless things, watched meaningless movies, said meaningless words. All the while, I wondered why the rest of the world kept going. Didn't everyone else see what had just happened?!? The greatest man I ever knew had left the world, and people were still laughing, still going to the grocery, still saying and doing the wrong things while neglecting the right things.

Sometimes I forget that feeling. Sometimes I forget what it is like to have your world crash while everyone else seems to be living on a bed of roses {even if they are fake}. Today I remembered. Today I remembered, because today I read THIS. A sweet little girl, living on the other side of the country, found out that her respite from a silent evil that had taken root in her head was over. The devil has returned, and although she must cling to hope because sometimes hope is all one has, the odds are not in her favor. Today I remember that feeling...while she and her family are FEELING that feeling. I am sad for them.

While I am sad, I also can't help but wonder if we have it all wrong. You know, we dread death, avoid it like the plague...sometimes avoiding the plague itself with research and drugs and body-disfiguring surgeries. I just wonder, if we saw eternity through God's eyes, would we be working so hard? Probably not, but right now we don't have God's eyes. So tonight I am pleading for God to give this little girl His eyes, or to heal her physical body so that her Mommy and Daddy can blossom under her love a little bit longer...or to do both. All the while, I long to remember that there is always someone around me whose heart has been smashed...could I be the one to take him or her to the Comforter, the Heart-Healer?

My NEXT STEP

If you have been reading this blog long enough, you may have seen THIS post. Or maybe you remember me writing the following words (nearly a year and a half ago!):

When I was little, my parents used to say to us kids all the time, "We would much rather you live in Africa serving God than for you to live next door serving your own desires." I remember thinking, "Africa! That is the last place I want to go!" I could not imagine willingly placing myself somewhere wild, a place teeming, I was sure, with wild animals and all sorts of other scary things. As I got older, it wasn't so much that a desire to AVOID the unknown prevailed my dreams. Rather, I just didn't HAVE any desire to travel or serve overseas. To serve? Yes. God impressed upon my heart a deep desire to serve sometime toward the beginning of high school. I didn't see myself like I saw my sister, though. My sister is brave and daring, always trying new things and loving them. I can never predict what my sister is going to do next (can she?), but I do know she will do it with zest and beautiful capability. While I can just get by in the realm of learning new languages, she thrives. I always believed that God would use me somewhere in my comfort zone, somewhere HERE, in the states.

Funny how God works. Don't freak out, mom. I'm not flying to Africa. I have just noticed that God is shifting my heart. God is pretty good at that. Think about it...Saul, a persecutor of Christians, becomes the leader of the early Christian church. David, a shepherd boy who tends to flocks of sheep, becomes the ruler of an entire nation of people. Abraham, a man with no heir, becomes the father of a nation. God puts people in positions of complete dependence on Him. God chooses people to do incredible work they are incapable of doing on their own, if only they will cooperate. I don't know about you, but I want to be a part of the big work God has planned. I don't want to look back and say, "Man! I wish I had had the ears to hear. I wish I had said yes. I wish I had followed that still, small voice telling me where to go." I know that God will accomplish His work, with or without me, but I don't want someone else doing work God has asked ME to do! So I'm trying to learn to be a visionary, to trust God even when He begins calling me somewhere or some way I am incapable of going.

I am incapable of serving God in Africa, in India, in Russia, in Mexico. I'm just wondering if God is saying, "Hmmm. Abigail will need a LOT of help if I send her THERE." He could easily call me to serve here, but I feel Him changing my heart. When I know that He will be with me every step of the way, wow! What a beautiful transformation, and one I welcome. I feel like I am coming to a place in my relationship with Him where I can say, "Where He leads, I WILL FOLLOW...even if it sounds absurd, or too hard, or just plain silly...I WILL FOLLOW." Will you?

Yes, God has been working on my heart, taking me on a new journey. I do not know where that journey will lead or where I will end up, but I wanted to share with you the NEXT STEP I am planning to take as I seek to FOLLOW Jesus into BROKENNESS, for surely "'it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...'" (Mark 2:17).

In June, I will be heading to Guatemala, a country located south of Mexico in Central America. I am going with a group from Hope Church and Caring Partners International, a medical missions organization.


If I'm going to be honest, and you know I am, I really don't know much about this land or the beautiful people that occupy it. Furthermore, I don't necessarily feel drawn to this land or these people. To Africa? Yes. Guatemala? Not really. At least, not yet. I am praying that God will burden my heart and put a fire in my bones for this land and these people. Despite a lack of "passion" for Guatemala (at first), I felt incredibly drawn to this journey, and every day I inch closer to our departure, my heart jumps a little higher. I am BELIEVING that God will work miracles in my heart during this 9 day trip, knowing that "He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion..." (Phil. 1:6). I am also thrilled to have the chance to use what I am learning in nursing school to serve "the least of these."


We will be running free medical clinics in partnership with local churches located both in Guatemala City and Parramos. I am trusting God to provide everything I need--spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially--to do His work in Guatemala. I am also trusting God wholeheartedly to work powerfully in me and through me while I am there.

Part of the excitement beginning to well up inside of me stems from a beautiful gift I received for Christmas from my Aunt. She lovingly put together an anticipatory scrapbook of my time in Guatemala, complete with the beautiful photos you are looking at (from the N*tion*l Geogr*ph*c website) and handmade items from Guatemala to share with children I meet on my trip. As I paged through the book, I couldn't help but feel EXCITED about the journey I am preparing to take. Although this is a month overdue, THANK YOU SO MUCH, Aunt Lisa, for giving me such a beautiful gift! I can't wait to add my own pictures and thoughts to the scrapbook! Also, thank you to those who have joined me on this journey through prayer and financial support...I can't wait to share more with you as the time for my departure nears!

Adoption News and Thoughts on Waiting

Timothy is officially a KIRK!!! We are rejoicing tonight! Although there are 147 million orphans in the world, ONE MORE has a forever home! We got the phone call tonight that the Ethiopian courts had ruled today on Timothy's case...there was lots of screaming in this house = )

I am reminded tonight, once again, how often God uses WAITING to bring His plans to fruition. This morning I was reading the account of Joseph. For those of us reading the story thousands of years after it actually happened, it is easy to forget just how long Joseph waited on the Lord. He was 17, the Bible says, when God gave Him a dream...then he was thrown into a well, sold into slavery, harassed by his owner's wife only after he made them wealthy, and thrown into prison. I am intrigued and somewhat humored by the phrase that comes next: "Some time later..." I wonder how much "time" really passed. I wonder if it felt like a million years to Joseph, while to God it was obviously just a drop in the bucket of eternity. I wonder how Joseph passed his time in jail, if he began to question God's hand in his story.

I have to continually remind myself that God is writing MY story, that these days I am living ARE the destination. I often wonder when I am going to step into my God-ordained purpose, and then I remember that I am LIVING it right now, if only I will have the eyes to see it and the willing hands and heart to take hold of it. God never left Joseph. In fact, if I reflect on the account of his life in its entirety, God impacted a lot of people through Joseph in his years of "waiting." God wove an incredible story out of Joseph's life, a story that would have fallen apart without those painful years of serving an oppressive master and sitting in prison.

There are still days when I question God and wonder what I am doing in nursing school, why I can't be doing "greater" things for God...and then I remember that each day I live and breathe is another opportunity to serve those God has placed before me, to care for little hands and hearts, even if only in a gentle word of encouragement. If God can change the entire history of a nation through one man's willing hands and patient spirit while sitting in jail (for a crime he never committed), then I hope and pray He can use me as I flounder through school and often question His always PERFECT plan.

"WAIT on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14).

The new year, 21, and Africa!

I am way behind and have lots to share, so excuse any rambling that commences  : )

While I love the idea of a fresh start, New Year's "resolutions," in my experience, are often a setup for failure. I am so thankful that, in Christ, we have a fresh start every day! His mercies are new every morning! I don't need to wait until a new year to make a new plan!

I have fought against unhealthy eating habits a great deal of my life. For years, my body image and self esteem suffered. As I have continued to grow in the knowledge of Jesus, I have come to a new understanding of who I am, and my self esteem is no longer married to the way I look (at least not nearly as much as it used to be). This new freedom has allowed me to look at bad habits in a new way. My body image is no longer tied to my abillity to break bad habits. However, my health is, and my desire is to lead a healthy life, not only so that I can set a good example for my patients, but also so I can better serve God in the things He leads me to do...not to mention the fact that I just feel better when I am making healthy choices!

I have learned in the past, though, that waiting until Jan.1st to make changes is not necessary, and often leads to the false belief that perhaps everything will be easier when I wake up on New Year's Day! So I have been trying to implement small changes every day throughout the past couple of months, while also remembering that I have a new start every day! I have an amazing sister who gets an email every day with a list of everything I ate that day...the accountability is not only helpful, it is completely necessary! Big changes happen in baby steps...so I will take baby steps! My next baby step, which I am already working on, is exercising regularly, which requires finding an activity I love to do! Several years ago I began running (for the wrong reasons, but running all the same), and I quickly got burnt out. But I am finding that there are parts of running I enjoy, so I have started to get back into it...slowly. Baby steps ; ) So, although I don't really do New Year's resolutions, I wanted to share about some changes I am trying to make in my lifestyle. What are some things you are doing to live a healthier life?

Since I last posted, I started classes again...and I also turned 21! I was blessed in many ways and by many people on my birthday, and I am so thankful for God's continuing grace and direction in my life as I enter "adulthood" : ) My sister took me out for an afternoon the day before my birthday...we had so much fun cooking and bargain shopping together!  To read about some of my other birthday ventures, check out THIS sweet post my friend Amy wrote. In addition to the festivities she highlights, I was also blessed to spend the evening with my friend Rebecca and her family...they showered me with treats and blessings, too! God truly has given me some incredible friends! I can't wait to see where God takes me in this next year of my life...with Him, life will always be an adventure!

Last but not least, guess what happens tomorrow?! Amy and Stephen, or my "second parents," are leaving to go meet their son in Africa! They can't bring him home this trip, but they will be one step closer to bringing him home forever! I will be staying with their 6 other kids, so for the next week or so I will be over HERE documenting our fun adventures while the parents are away! I am so thrilled to see this little guy come home to his forever family...it can't come soon enough for any of us!

I think that's enough rambling for now = )  Please be praying for the kids and I this week, as well as for their parents in Africa!