A Divine Roadtrip

I've struggled a lot recently...with waiting, with trusting God for my future, with jealousy as I watch other beautiful people doing the very things I long to be doing. Today, I began to wonder if my issue had less to do with trusting God...and more to do with believing God too much. I mean, I KNOW that He is only going to do what is best for me...that's what gets me. What if I don't like His best?

Tonight, as I was driving home in the dark, I realized that I had allowed the illusion of surrender to give me a false sense of humility before God. It's like I am headed out on a divine road trip with God, and I say, "Wherever you want to take me...I'm game!" Only thing is, I have a pretty good idea of where I want to be going, so I add, "Well, Florida's lookin' pretty good, though...or maybe Montana? I've heard there's good skiing out there." Then, daunted by the idea that God just might take me to somewhere like Iowa {where, by the way, the cornfields just might swallow me whole}, I say, "You know what, here's the map, complete with step by step instructions on how to get to where I want to go...On the bottom, you'll see the full itinerary! Don't forget to stop for gas, though!" Fake surrender.

Honestly, there is a part of me that wants to settle for a "Saul"...for easy fulfillment, for a quick fix to my deepest desires. Sometimes I find myself saying, "God, I'm tired of waiting. Can you just give me what I want, even if it's not best?" Oh Lord, save me. I don't want to settle for less than God's best...I want to give the wheel--and the map--completely to Him. Hands off, I'm outta here. Even if that means I have to wait longer than is comfortable. Even if it means I end up in the cornfields of Iowa instead of the thrilling mountains of Montana. Even if it means I have to be on 'standby' while seemingly everyone else is hopping on a plane to their ultimate destination. Complete surrender.

Somewhere along that road I believe there is an insurmountable joy and peace to be found...and I want to find it.

Adoption News and Thoughts on Waiting

Timothy is officially a KIRK!!! We are rejoicing tonight! Although there are 147 million orphans in the world, ONE MORE has a forever home! We got the phone call tonight that the Ethiopian courts had ruled today on Timothy's case...there was lots of screaming in this house = )

I am reminded tonight, once again, how often God uses WAITING to bring His plans to fruition. This morning I was reading the account of Joseph. For those of us reading the story thousands of years after it actually happened, it is easy to forget just how long Joseph waited on the Lord. He was 17, the Bible says, when God gave Him a dream...then he was thrown into a well, sold into slavery, harassed by his owner's wife only after he made them wealthy, and thrown into prison. I am intrigued and somewhat humored by the phrase that comes next: "Some time later..." I wonder how much "time" really passed. I wonder if it felt like a million years to Joseph, while to God it was obviously just a drop in the bucket of eternity. I wonder how Joseph passed his time in jail, if he began to question God's hand in his story.

I have to continually remind myself that God is writing MY story, that these days I am living ARE the destination. I often wonder when I am going to step into my God-ordained purpose, and then I remember that I am LIVING it right now, if only I will have the eyes to see it and the willing hands and heart to take hold of it. God never left Joseph. In fact, if I reflect on the account of his life in its entirety, God impacted a lot of people through Joseph in his years of "waiting." God wove an incredible story out of Joseph's life, a story that would have fallen apart without those painful years of serving an oppressive master and sitting in prison.

There are still days when I question God and wonder what I am doing in nursing school, why I can't be doing "greater" things for God...and then I remember that each day I live and breathe is another opportunity to serve those God has placed before me, to care for little hands and hearts, even if only in a gentle word of encouragement. If God can change the entire history of a nation through one man's willing hands and patient spirit while sitting in jail (for a crime he never committed), then I hope and pray He can use me as I flounder through school and often question His always PERFECT plan.

"WAIT on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14).