This week has been hard. One of asking God over and over, "Reveal yourself to me! Move my heart in response to your Word!" and hearing in response only...silence. I went into the week asking God to give me a word of encouragement to share in this space, and yet each day I was greeted with the same...silence.
Last night God finally (in his timing) spoke over my heart, but it was not what I expected to hear. Not what I wanted to hear either. But it was good, and right, and I believe it is what He wants me to share here.
Do you ever struggle to trust people with your heart? Oh man, do I have a hard time with this. I'm sure I haven't always had trouble trusting. But past hurts have a way of scarring, don't they? A bruise turns into a scar, and every time another punch is landed, the scar deepens...until your heart is under a vault, and the key buried even deeper.
Can you bring to mind those people whom you have trusted with your heart, those people you have asked to hold and protect it...people who have betrayed your trust by smashing your heart into a thousand pieces? Can you name someone who has made you never want to trust again?
It hurts, doesn't it? On behalf of those people, I am SO sorry. They wronged you. They WRONGED you. I believe God weeps over those wrongs, over the words and actions and hurtful situations that caused you to build another layer of the wall around your heart.
It may not seem like it here, because writing on this screen in some way feels safe, but I am a stalwart wall. I rarely let people in, mostly because I have in the past and they have wrecked me. I don't want to trust anymore. I don't want to ask for help. I don't want to need.
And yet, God whispered over my heart last night..."Abigail, it is in the needing that you are made whole."
Oh, the pain of that statement. Of believing it to be true. Because knocking down the wall? Ripping away the scar tissue? It hurts. It hurts to trust when you have been let down.
But it hurts more not to trust.
It hurts more not to trust...because you miss out on the beauty of deep community. Of knowing and being known in a way only God could design and ordain. And that's why, time and time again...no matter how many times my heart is shattered or broken or abandoned...I will trust. Because it is in the trusting that I am made whole. And people? They are just people...sinful, broken people. They are not God.
I don't know how, but today I am going to choose to trust. To take off a layer of the brick wall around my heart. I am going to trust that the very God who created my inmost being will guard it when others can't. It is hard, but I am going to fight for it. Will you?
This morning, I cheerfully waltzed stumbled into work and was greeted by a coworker in tears.
A little over a year ago, her son tragically passed away. Since then, she has connected with a group of mothers also grieving the loss of a child.
Her tears were on behalf of one of these dear friends who was bravely facing the one year anniversary of her son's death when the unthinkable happened...She found herself grieving the loss of her other son to a horrible car accident.
Two sons...gone from this world...exactly one year apart.
I couldn't help but silently weep with my coworker as she mourned for her friend.
Where is the justice?
As a follower of Jesus, I know the end of the story. I have hope that all the pain, and despair, and brokenness marring this world will one day be redeemed.
But sometimes I think it is appropriate to sit in the ashes of this yuck, the mess that sin has caused.
To weep with those who weep.
To scream with those who cry out for answers.
To say "WHERE IS THE JUSTICE???" to the very God who has all the answers and is bringing redemption to the brokenness.
I think it is okay, and I think it is right. I imagine Jesus sitting outside the tomb of Lazarus, weeping... even though He knew the end of the story.
To mourn over the pain birthed by sin...I think this is a right response, especially when that pain becomes personal and starts messing with those you love.
So tonight? I'm rejoicing that it is Friday (and that means the weekend! Hip hip hooray!), but I am also mourning. I am hating sin, despising Satan's attempts to throw people into despair, and I am cursing death.
