Soaking in TRUTH...

I am allowing these words to pour over me...

to change me...

to bring peace and rest to my heart...

and to remind me of His love.

Even in a broken, shattered world.

Remind me of your truth, Lord. Capture my heart once again.

Life and the Balance Beam: Please Pray for Me!

I love this illustration...and I think it is a powerful descriptor of the lives of many Christians. Friends, I don't want a "safe" life. I don't want to live my life straddling the beam, performing the easiest and most comfortable routine.

In a little over a year, Lord willing, I will graduate from nursing school. I don't know where I will go or what I will do. I DO know that God will carry me where He wants me to go, and it's not going to be someplace safe. I'm not speaking in terms of physical safety, although He very well could place me in an area of "danger." I'm talking about the life many people, including Christians, fall into and can't seem to escape: A life of complacency, the "perfect" life with a white picket fence and 1.5 children. I don't want that life. I want the crazy life, the life lived in complete and radical obedience to the God of the universe. I want the life that does not settle for less, or for the "more" that the world offers. I want the life that lives simply to love extravagantly.

I stand before you with arms wide open...ready to go WHEREVER the Lord wants me to go. That could be a hospital job in suburbia, a job that would allow me to support other ministries in huge way, or to maybe get involved with something like foster care. That could be to the African bush, nursing wounds and loving orphans. That could be a job advocating for HIV+ children, or doing home visits to at-risk families. And I do believe that any work CAN BE ministry...God very well could place me on the post-surgical unit of a hospital, and I pray I would serve Him just as well there as I would if He called me to China. The point is, I don't know where God will call me, but I want to be willing and ready for ANYTHING. Am I scared? Absolutely. But I serve a faithful God, the same God who transformed ordinary men like Moses and Saul into Sea-parters and Heart-fishers...the same God who longs to do a similar transformation in you and me. Am I excited? More than anything. Because I know what God can do with a willing heart and open hands.

I have 2 requests:

1) Please pray for me. More than anything, I want to go where God leads me. He has been so faithful to lead me up until this point in my life, and I am confident He will continue to do so. Pray that He would give me strength to finish what He and I have started together, here in nursing school. Pray that I have the ears to hear "the voice behind me saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" (Isaiah 30:21). I should insert here that there are some major obstacles God would have to overcome, should He call me into full-time ministry IMMEDIATELY. However, no obstacle is too great for Him! So please also be praying that He would take care of those details if He would like me in a place of full-time ministry.
2) Please keep an eye and an ear out for me. What do I mean by that? Well, I am really trying to search out and explore many, many different options. I have been keeping a growing list of ministries and job ideas to check out. You may think I am jumping the gun on this a little bit, and maybe I am. I just really, really do not want to miss what God has for me. So please let me know at bloomingloudly@gmail.com if you hear of ministry opportunities for nurses, or something of the like.

Friends, I want to leave you with a scripture passage I read the other day. I love that God's people just picked up and moved WHENEVER God moved! I want to live that way...with a heart so entwined to God's that I KNOW when He is moving and when He is staying.

From Numbers 9:

¹⁷ Whenever the cloud lifted from above the tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. ¹⁸ At the LORD’s command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they remained in camp. ¹⁹ When the cloud remained over the tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the LORD’s order and did not set out. ²⁰ Sometimes the cloud was over the tabernacle only a few days; at the LORD’s command they would encamp, and then at his command they would set out. ²¹ Sometimes the cloud stayed only from evening till morning, and when it lifted in the morning, they set out. Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. ²² Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. ²³ At the LORD’s command they encamped, and at the LORD’s command they set out. They obeyed the LORD’s order, in accordance with his command through Moses. (NIV)

I don't want to "get in a groove," where I love my life so much that I am unwilling to make a change if God should ask me to. I want to be ready--"whether by day or by night"--to move, to make a change, should God lead me to do so. What about you? Have you gotten too comfortable in your own daily living to be able to hear God's voice leading you in a new direction? I pray that you join me in truly seeking out His heart! I would hate for any of us to "ta-da!" before the Judge after spending an entire lifetime straddling the beam.

Waiting for Marriage? {the problem with abstinence training}

Disclaimer: Please read the entire post before sharing your thoughts. I would love feedback on the ideas I share here, but I ask that you be respectful in the way you do so, especially if you disagree with me (I am always learning!). Thanks!

I've lived my entire 21 years of life in a godly family, being taught what it means to be a woman of godly integrity and purity. I've read all the books, listened to many talks on abstinence, and believed from a young age in sexual purity. I'm noticing a trend, though...a trend in what I am seeing and hearing in the church regarding purity and being a woman of integrity, and I have to be honest in my concern over this trend and my own personal struggle in that vein. Truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised if this trend contributes a great deal to the hopelessness and "failure" many women {and maybe men too, but I can only guess!} feel in the area of sexual purity. Maybe you've heard the very things I am referring to, statements like:
"Abstaining from sex before marriage...if you think about it, in the whole scope of your life, you'll only be single for a very short amount of time! Then you have the rest of your life to enjoy sex in a healthy way!"

You may be thinking, "What's the big deal with that statement?" Well, it's less about the statement and more about the attitude behind the statement, an attitude that says abstinence and purity is all about the future marriage relationship. It's easy to preach abstinence when you can slap a "you'll be married before you know it!" on the end. It's easy to preach abstinence when you can reassure and guarantee a beautiful marriage that will be founded on this gift of mutual purity. The question I want to pose is this: What if someone never gets married? What if he or she wants to get married but it never happens? What then? It's one thing to wait a little while for something. It's another thing entirely when you tell someone to wait FOREVER! You can't slap a "you'll be married and it will all be worth it!" on the perpetually single person. Herein lies the problem, I believe, in a great deal of what is being taught today in regard to purity.

Hear me on this: The goal of purity in mind, body, and heart should not be a healthy marriage or dating relationship. Certainly a healthy marriage or dating relationship can and should be a by-product of sexual purity, but in my opinion, it should never be the sole focus. If I simply "waited for marriage," I'm afraid I would quickly become disillusioned and hopeless when no marriage materialized. In the same way, if the focus of sexual purity is on reaching the marriage bed unscathed, then the journey to purity ends when a person gets married. In my opinion, though, the journey to purity does not end until the day I am reunited with Christ forever. Thus, the reason I choose to seek out and strive for integrity, cultivating a heart and life of purity is because of Christ. That's it! I'm not "waiting for marriage," I'm pursuing Christ with wholehearted devotion, and that means (in part) seeking to live a life of sexual integrity and purity.

Why do I bring this up? This morning I was blessed to attend the Women of Virtue conference put on by pureHOPE ministries {a GREAT experience, by the way...loved hearing Shannon Ethridge share her heart}. I listened to a panel of teenage girls discuss relevant issues revolving around purity and modesty, and I was disheartened when the focus of the discussion settled around technicalities. In a way, I felt sad for some of the girls, because I feel like they may be missing the point. I've been there. I've been through high school, followed all the "rules" (never even dated! I must be pure, right?), stayed away from negative influences, and cultivated positive relationships. I was "waiting until marriage." I was banking on the knight in shining armor to come riding in on his horse some day soon, so it would all be worth it, right? Well, it IS all worth it, but not because some great man has come to "rescue me." It's worth it because Christ has revealed himself to me in new and tender ways as I have shifted my focus to HIM.

Abstinence is NOT about waiting until marriage. It is about waiting on the LORD, building deeper communion with my Bridegroom, the perfect One who longs to be with me and know me intimately. No doubt, singleness can be hard. It can be lonely, and it certainly runs against the grain of our society. There are days when I long to be in a relationship. But I can honestly say that I would be content to remain single forever...Not because it's fun all the time, but because I know God will withhold no good thing from me, and He truly knows what is best for me. The ultimate goal of purity in my life is not a healthy marriage or relationship with a great guy...it's about knowing the Lord.

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord" (Hosea 2:19-20).

Because He is...

Faithful, I will...
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Keep recounting His blessings.
Keep longing for Him.

I shared that I have been struggling with, well, being thankful. Do you ever have those days (or months, or years) when life just seems unfair? When everyone around you seems happier and more content than you? Yeah, well...I have had some of those days recently. Let me tell ya...it ain't pretty either! After wallowing with...
some G*lmore G*rls and toenail polish, I gave up and let God work on me.

Friends, He is so faithful.

I decided to pull one of those stunts Bible heroes always seemed to perform and asked God for a sign. Something, anything to tell me that I'm on the right track...that this seemingly never ending footrace of life I'm running will actually end up somewhere.

I didn't get a lightning bolt or anything of the kind, but God was gracious to reach out and care for my broken heart. I was reading about Moses leading the people out of Egypt, and I stumbled upon some verses I don't ever remember reading before:

"When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.' So God led them in a round-about way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea. Thus the Israelites left Egypt like an army ready for battle" (Ex. 13:17-18).

Wow. God's people were leaving slavery, fleeing bondage that had been a part of their story for years...and God took them the long way out. He was protecting them...from unnecessary battles, from enemies, from themselves. I'm sure they questioned His directions, wondered why they had to trudge further than was necessary when they were just so ready to be free. They didn't have the full story, though...but HE did, and He knew exactly what He was doing!

There are so, so many times that I wonder, "When, God? When will {fill in the blank} happen?" I question why I have to do it this way. And then I am reminded, through this passage, that I do not see the big picture. I do not know what He is protecting me from. Maybe He is taking me the long way around to protect me from myself, from my own weakness and vulnerability. Maybe He is protecting me from unnecessary battles, all the while equipping and preparing me for the REAL battle.

While waiting is hard {especially when everyone else seems to be there already}, I will keep on trusting...keep on putting one foot in front of the other...keep dwelling in thanksgiving, because HE IS FAITHFUL and HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.
I will not be shaken.

A Divine Roadtrip

I've struggled a lot recently...with waiting, with trusting God for my future, with jealousy as I watch other beautiful people doing the very things I long to be doing. Today, I began to wonder if my issue had less to do with trusting God...and more to do with believing God too much. I mean, I KNOW that He is only going to do what is best for me...that's what gets me. What if I don't like His best?

Tonight, as I was driving home in the dark, I realized that I had allowed the illusion of surrender to give me a false sense of humility before God. It's like I am headed out on a divine road trip with God, and I say, "Wherever you want to take me...I'm game!" Only thing is, I have a pretty good idea of where I want to be going, so I add, "Well, Florida's lookin' pretty good, though...or maybe Montana? I've heard there's good skiing out there." Then, daunted by the idea that God just might take me to somewhere like Iowa {where, by the way, the cornfields just might swallow me whole}, I say, "You know what, here's the map, complete with step by step instructions on how to get to where I want to go...On the bottom, you'll see the full itinerary! Don't forget to stop for gas, though!" Fake surrender.

Honestly, there is a part of me that wants to settle for a "Saul"...for easy fulfillment, for a quick fix to my deepest desires. Sometimes I find myself saying, "God, I'm tired of waiting. Can you just give me what I want, even if it's not best?" Oh Lord, save me. I don't want to settle for less than God's best...I want to give the wheel--and the map--completely to Him. Hands off, I'm outta here. Even if that means I have to wait longer than is comfortable. Even if it means I end up in the cornfields of Iowa instead of the thrilling mountains of Montana. Even if it means I have to be on 'standby' while seemingly everyone else is hopping on a plane to their ultimate destination. Complete surrender.

Somewhere along that road I believe there is an insurmountable joy and peace to be found...and I want to find it.

Adoption News and Thoughts on Waiting

Timothy is officially a KIRK!!! We are rejoicing tonight! Although there are 147 million orphans in the world, ONE MORE has a forever home! We got the phone call tonight that the Ethiopian courts had ruled today on Timothy's case...there was lots of screaming in this house = )

I am reminded tonight, once again, how often God uses WAITING to bring His plans to fruition. This morning I was reading the account of Joseph. For those of us reading the story thousands of years after it actually happened, it is easy to forget just how long Joseph waited on the Lord. He was 17, the Bible says, when God gave Him a dream...then he was thrown into a well, sold into slavery, harassed by his owner's wife only after he made them wealthy, and thrown into prison. I am intrigued and somewhat humored by the phrase that comes next: "Some time later..." I wonder how much "time" really passed. I wonder if it felt like a million years to Joseph, while to God it was obviously just a drop in the bucket of eternity. I wonder how Joseph passed his time in jail, if he began to question God's hand in his story.

I have to continually remind myself that God is writing MY story, that these days I am living ARE the destination. I often wonder when I am going to step into my God-ordained purpose, and then I remember that I am LIVING it right now, if only I will have the eyes to see it and the willing hands and heart to take hold of it. God never left Joseph. In fact, if I reflect on the account of his life in its entirety, God impacted a lot of people through Joseph in his years of "waiting." God wove an incredible story out of Joseph's life, a story that would have fallen apart without those painful years of serving an oppressive master and sitting in prison.

There are still days when I question God and wonder what I am doing in nursing school, why I can't be doing "greater" things for God...and then I remember that each day I live and breathe is another opportunity to serve those God has placed before me, to care for little hands and hearts, even if only in a gentle word of encouragement. If God can change the entire history of a nation through one man's willing hands and patient spirit while sitting in jail (for a crime he never committed), then I hope and pray He can use me as I flounder through school and often question His always PERFECT plan.

"WAIT on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14).

To Kiss Girl Nastiness Goodbye

Remember that time your girlfriend didn't invite you to her party and you felt really left out? I felt that feeling a lot growing up. I was lonely and felt like I didn't really belong anywhere. Thankfully, my mom and dad gave me the best advice they could have possibly given me in times of loneliness and girl drama, and that advice has stuck with me for a long time: Look for the other person who feels left out and become her friend.

Girls are funny. And by funny I mean funny complex. We feel unable, or perhaps not allowed, to communicate in the aggressive way boys communicate anger {with fists and shouts}, so we instead harbor grudges and use the undercover weapons of gossip, rumors, and backstabbing. We talk to her but not her. We invite her but not her...making sure she knows she's not invited. We use friendship as a weapon. And despite the many battle tactics wielded by the mean girl, everyone still wants to be one of the chosen elect that form her group of friends...we need affirmation that much. The sad thing is, girls never seem to grow out of this. We just get better at hiding our nasty undercover aggression, cloaking it in pretend kindness and {fake} smiles.

So what does it mean to be a godly woman, to communicate in a way that pleases God? Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just stop talking to girls altogether. Sure would be easier...right? Or maybe we should all just live in distant caves, only communicating with grunts when we need food or water. Do we resign ourselves to either fighting the battle or drowning our sorrows in chocolate? If so, I'll take the chocolate, please.

Thanks to my mom and dad, I learned a long time ago that there is another way. There is a higher road, a road that few dare to trod. It is the road that leads to godliness and the kind of heart fulfillment that only He can provide. Godly communication, communication from the heart of a woman who knows her God intimately...that's what I want. I am far from having this foreign language mastered, but I have picked up some hints along the way that I am trying to remember as I seek to walk the higher road:

~Putting someone down gets me nowhere.
~Gossip will only bite the gossiper in the butt.
~She is really not all that...Another words, having my identity tied to whether or not she likes me at the moment is going to lead to a very rocky existence. Having my identity built upon who I am in Christ, however...there is true fulfillment.
~Honesty may be painful but it is always better. I'm not very good at this one...I don't want to rock the boat. I'd rather brush it all under the rug and maintain my perfect image. I LIKE being liked...who doesn't? But sometimes it is better just to get it all out on the table and risk losing a friend or maybe even hurting some feelings...otherwise, all those buried emotions are going to rupture someday, and all you are going to be left with is a whole lot of pain and a big mess that will have resulted in nothing but heartache...a heartache much greater than the one you may have produced if you had just been honest in the first place.
~Using words is way more productive than using covert glances or hand gestures. I can't expect everyone to read my mind {or my face, for that matter}. Sometimes you just gotta come out and SAY it!
~I am NEVER alone. Not only do I have the constant companionship of my Savior and God, there are also many, many people who--guaranteed--feel alone too. Rather than waiting for someone to befriend you, be a friend to someone!
~It is only human to have feelings. However, in Christ I am a new creation...which means I no longer have to be controlled by my feelings. When someone does something that offends or hurts me, I can choose to let that control and guide me {and ruin my day/year/life}, or I can choose to take it to and leave it at the cross. How freeing is that?! By holding grudges or allowing ourselves to feel crushed by something someone else did or said, we are giving them the power to steer us. As a child of the Living God, I want HIM to steer me! *Ahem...I'm not very good at this one either...but I would really like to be!*
~"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth" (1 John 3:18). The best way to combat untruth, and unhealthy communication for that matter, is with actions and truth. I want to live and communicate with such Christ-like maturity and grace that "those who oppose [me] may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about [me]" (Titus 2:8).

What has God taught you about healthy communication from the heart of a woman?

When Tomorrow Becomes Today

"Every time we finally reach the future, it vanishes into the present. This perplexing tendency of the future to keep eluding us does not, of course, teach us to be more present, but rather to accelerate faster. We redouble our straining toward the future, never stopping to see where we are, never pausing to taste the fruits of our labor. [We tell ourselves that] our true nourishment will come when we are successful, when we are rich, when we are saved, when it is our turn" (Wayne Muller).

It vanishes into the present... Do you ever get caught up in Tomorrow? Find yourself saying, "Tomorrow I'll go on that diet. Tomorrow I'll read that book. Tomorrow I'll volunteer at that one place...." Tomorrow. Always Tomorrow. And meanwhile, today becomes Tomorrow. Tomorrow vanishes into the present, and all our great plans become the new Tomorrow's plans.

We live in a culture that teaches us to think in terms of Tomorrow. We ask our children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We live by our calendars and our scheduling devices, making grand plans that help bring Tomorrow here faster so we don't have to revel in the drabness of today. The drug of busyness becomes an intoxicating way to numb ourselves from the monotony of today that never seems to disappear.

I, myself, am a victim of Tomorrow. In high school it was always, "When I get to college I am going to..." Now the mantra is, "When I finish nursing school, I'll..." I dream in shades of Future, often forgetting that today is the old Tomorrow. I've always thought, I'll do something grand for God when... When. When I am trained. When I am older. When I am married. When, when, when. What happens when the when becomes the now? When doing something grand for God becomes a piece of everyday life? When SERVING GOD IN AFRICA becomes wiping mud and grime from tiny, African hands? When ADOPTING AN ORPHAN becomes changing poopy diapers and laundering dirty socks? When VOLUNTEERING AT A CRISIS PREGNANCY CENTER becomes answering prank phone calls and making thousands of copies? What does happen when the when becomes now? Do we move on to something even more "grand"?

It seems it often takes a tragedy for us to be confronted with a truth we continually seem to be running from: None of us is promised Tomorrow. No one can truly say with confidence, "Tomorrow will be the day!" We live in denial, presuming that we are invincible, that WE will be the ones to last forever. Why enjoy today when there is always Tomorrow? Why use our resources to serve someone today when there will always be that beach retirement we have to save for? Why have a family dinner today when there are soccer practices and dance lessons to attend as we earn our small children a nice college scholarship? Denial. We are not promised Tomorrow. We're not promised a summer vacation, much less a retirement. We are not promised the chance to attend college or see our children attend college. We are not promised another breath.

We do have the gift of this breath, though. Are you too focused on Tomorrow to take in the abundance of blessing in today? To allow "the peace of God that transcends all understanding" to wash over your heart today? To be all there, totally present in the place God has you NOW? Are you investing in TODAY, serving God with the attitude of your heart in the monotony of TODAY?

I am learning why a daily walk with Jesus is so crucial to our existence on this planet. It is all too easy to turn to Him when we want answers about Tomorrow, when we want to know where we should turn next. Maybe the answers about WHERE NEXT have been in the HERE all along. Maybe the question should not be, "God, what do you want me to do NEXT?" but "God, what do you want me to do NOW?"

I cannot grow complacent in the deceiving rumble of Tomorrow. God, give me ears to hear your whisper in TODAY.

Gettin'-Stuck Miracles

The day had arrived. I was to be taking a test that would determine my eligibility to remain in school for the next step of the program in which I am enrolled. A big deal...and I was sick. I woke up with a pounding sinus headache and a fever. Knowing I could not miss the test for anything, even what I perceived to be a *terrible* illness, I rolled out of bed and into my car, heading toward the test center.

As I fell into my uncomfortable (no surprise there) chair, facing the grimacing computer before me, I was reminded of everything God and I had conquered in the past year. Lots of scary firsts. Lots of do-it-perfectly-or-get-kicked-out skills tests. Lots of studying until facts and figures oozed out of my ears. Lots of wiping people's you-know-whats. Lots of me falling on my face (figuratively and sometimes literally) before God, inadequate and weak. Lots of Him pulling through for me, giving me the strength to do what I could not do on my own.

This big test day would be no different.

As the proctor droned on with instructions repeated three, four, even five times, my mind raced to that quiet place I share with Jesus. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Jesus, I'm sick. I don't know why you let this happen at a time like this, but it is what it is. So if you want me to be a nurse, you better do something.
Jesus: ASH, I have already won this battle for you. I have gone before you and prepared a straight path for you. All you have to do today is STAND and let me lead you down the path I have prepared. Got it?
Me: If you say so...

That was two weeks ago, and I am still in awe. I have learned something as I have journeyed with Jesus on this nursing school adventure: If God calls you to be something or to go somewhere or to do something, He doesn't leave you high and dry and expect you to get there on your own. No, He'll pick you up and take you there. He'll part the Red Sea. He'll open doors and hearts and wallets. And when He doesn't, He'll give you the wisdom and strength and ability to do what you need to do to get where He has called you to be.

Have I worked hard? Yeah. Could I have passed that test on my own? No way. That's why I came out of that testing center saying, "God, you must really want me to be a nurse!"

I am learning that the absolute BEST place to be is in a bind. You heard me...in a sticky, no-way-out-on-my-own bind. Why? Because ordinary (and not-so-ordinary) miracles start happening as God works on your behalf. Have YOU ever allowed yourself to get stuck as you step out in faith to do something beyond your capability for God?

List Lover, List Shredder

I love Lists. The illusion of control is powerful, so much so that writing down rows of words actually leads me to believe that the next 24 hours will go exactly the way I design them. And my life is the stage of God's favorite comedy act.

Lists hate me. I form them, they attempt to form me, and I rebel. I fall into bed at the end of the day, wondering where I misplaced the List and why exactly the day did not conform to the priorities of the List.

I'm coming to love Lists for their ability to shove me to the floor in glorious agony. Try this out for size:

"You are not your own; you were bought at a price" (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

Uncomfortable, huh? Lists torn up, ripped to shreds, thrown in a river gorge. And somehow there is finally peace, like in the moment a screaming baby ceases his rant and you sigh, "AHHHH...."

The List no longer condemns. The List no longer scowls and controls. The List IS no longer.

I am not my own. I am just one piece in a Grand Love Story, one flower in a field of flowers blooming loudly...

Say it with me {it feels great}:
"AHHHHHH...."