I've lived my entire 21 years of life in a godly family, being taught what it means to be a woman of godly integrity and purity. I've read all the books, listened to many talks on abstinence, and believed from a young age in sexual purity. I'm noticing a trend, though...a trend in what I am seeing and hearing in the church regarding purity and being a woman of integrity, and I have to be honest in my concern over this trend and my own personal struggle in that vein. Truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised if this trend contributes a great deal to the hopelessness and "failure" many women {and maybe men too, but I can only guess!} feel in the area of sexual purity. Maybe you've heard the very things I am referring to, statements like:
"Abstaining from sex before marriage...if you think about it, in the whole scope of your life, you'll only be single for a very short amount of time! Then you have the rest of your life to enjoy sex in a healthy way!"
You may be thinking, "What's the big deal with that statement?" Well, it's less about the statement and more about the attitude behind the statement, an attitude that says abstinence and purity is all about the future marriage relationship. It's easy to preach abstinence when you can slap a "you'll be married before you know it!" on the end. It's easy to preach abstinence when you can reassure and guarantee a beautiful marriage that will be founded on this gift of mutual purity. The question I want to pose is this: What if someone never gets married? What if he or she wants to get married but it never happens? What then? It's one thing to wait a little while for something. It's another thing entirely when you tell someone to wait FOREVER! You can't slap a "you'll be married and it will all be worth it!" on the perpetually single person. Herein lies the problem, I believe, in a great deal of what is being taught today in regard to purity.
Hear me on this: The goal of purity in mind, body, and heart should not be a healthy marriage or dating relationship. Certainly a healthy marriage or dating relationship can and should be a by-product of sexual purity, but in my opinion, it should never be the sole focus. If I simply "waited for marriage," I'm afraid I would quickly become disillusioned and hopeless when no marriage materialized. In the same way, if the focus of sexual purity is on reaching the marriage bed unscathed, then the journey to purity ends when a person gets married. In my opinion, though, the journey to purity does not end until the day I am reunited with Christ forever. Thus, the reason I choose to seek out and strive for integrity, cultivating a heart and life of purity is because of Christ. That's it! I'm not "waiting for marriage," I'm pursuing Christ with wholehearted devotion, and that means (in part) seeking to live a life of sexual integrity and purity.
Why do I bring this up? This morning I was blessed to attend the Women of Virtue conference put on by pureHOPE ministries {a GREAT experience, by the way...loved hearing Shannon Ethridge share her heart}. I listened to a panel of teenage girls discuss relevant issues revolving around purity and modesty, and I was disheartened when the focus of the discussion settled around technicalities. In a way, I felt sad for some of the girls, because I feel like they may be missing the point. I've been there. I've been through high school, followed all the "rules" (never even dated! I must be pure, right?), stayed away from negative influences, and cultivated positive relationships. I was "waiting until marriage." I was banking on the knight in shining armor to come riding in on his horse some day soon, so it would all be worth it, right? Well, it IS all worth it, but not because some great man has come to "rescue me." It's worth it because Christ has revealed himself to me in new and tender ways as I have shifted my focus to HIM.
Abstinence is NOT about waiting until marriage. It is about waiting on the LORD, building deeper communion with my Bridegroom, the perfect One who longs to be with me and know me intimately. No doubt, singleness can be hard. It can be lonely, and it certainly runs against the grain of our society. There are days when I long to be in a relationship. But I can honestly say that I would be content to remain single forever...Not because it's fun all the time, but because I know God will withhold no good thing from me, and He truly knows what is best for me. The ultimate goal of purity in my life is not a healthy marriage or relationship with a great guy...it's about knowing the Lord.
"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord" (Hosea 2:19-20).
5 comments:
I love this post. I was just reading in Psalms the other day "create in me a clean heart" and renew a "steadfast spirit" in me. I felt like God really brought me to this passage and I started to ponder what purity means for me (and I'm married!). What you wrote is so true! God obviously is teaching me about being steadfast as I wait on our adoption. I think you need to be a speaker next year!!!
Well said, my dear one! Purity is for ALL of us in seeking to be like Christ--HE is the one our eyes and our heart must be focused on! Love you!
Thank you. For someone who's mostly resigned themselves to perpetual singleness, this is incredibly refreshing to read.
Thank you for sharing what the Lord has taught you.
-Kristen
I agree with the other comments. You are a learner and you should be the speaker next year:).
Very interesting, I wish we would have had this focus in high school and during abstinence talks. I had a college pastor who is 57 and still single. He always wanted to be married, but looked at singleness as a gift. He could not have had the huge impact on so many students the way he did if he had been married. God clearly called him to be single and I am so thankful he obeyed. (Not to say you have been called, but just an example.) God is doing a good work in you and I am thankful for the way you are living it out loud!
I have had this post on my mind since I read it- and even passed it on to a friend. Thanks for the perspective- as a parent I think at times I can buy into the world's standard for my son and be content with much less than what Jesus would call him to! Your thoughts apply to young men as well.
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