My NEXT STEP

If you have been reading this blog long enough, you may have seen THIS post. Or maybe you remember me writing the following words (nearly a year and a half ago!):

When I was little, my parents used to say to us kids all the time, "We would much rather you live in Africa serving God than for you to live next door serving your own desires." I remember thinking, "Africa! That is the last place I want to go!" I could not imagine willingly placing myself somewhere wild, a place teeming, I was sure, with wild animals and all sorts of other scary things. As I got older, it wasn't so much that a desire to AVOID the unknown prevailed my dreams. Rather, I just didn't HAVE any desire to travel or serve overseas. To serve? Yes. God impressed upon my heart a deep desire to serve sometime toward the beginning of high school. I didn't see myself like I saw my sister, though. My sister is brave and daring, always trying new things and loving them. I can never predict what my sister is going to do next (can she?), but I do know she will do it with zest and beautiful capability. While I can just get by in the realm of learning new languages, she thrives. I always believed that God would use me somewhere in my comfort zone, somewhere HERE, in the states.

Funny how God works. Don't freak out, mom. I'm not flying to Africa. I have just noticed that God is shifting my heart. God is pretty good at that. Think about it...Saul, a persecutor of Christians, becomes the leader of the early Christian church. David, a shepherd boy who tends to flocks of sheep, becomes the ruler of an entire nation of people. Abraham, a man with no heir, becomes the father of a nation. God puts people in positions of complete dependence on Him. God chooses people to do incredible work they are incapable of doing on their own, if only they will cooperate. I don't know about you, but I want to be a part of the big work God has planned. I don't want to look back and say, "Man! I wish I had had the ears to hear. I wish I had said yes. I wish I had followed that still, small voice telling me where to go." I know that God will accomplish His work, with or without me, but I don't want someone else doing work God has asked ME to do! So I'm trying to learn to be a visionary, to trust God even when He begins calling me somewhere or some way I am incapable of going.

I am incapable of serving God in Africa, in India, in Russia, in Mexico. I'm just wondering if God is saying, "Hmmm. Abigail will need a LOT of help if I send her THERE." He could easily call me to serve here, but I feel Him changing my heart. When I know that He will be with me every step of the way, wow! What a beautiful transformation, and one I welcome. I feel like I am coming to a place in my relationship with Him where I can say, "Where He leads, I WILL FOLLOW...even if it sounds absurd, or too hard, or just plain silly...I WILL FOLLOW." Will you?

Yes, God has been working on my heart, taking me on a new journey. I do not know where that journey will lead or where I will end up, but I wanted to share with you the NEXT STEP I am planning to take as I seek to FOLLOW Jesus into BROKENNESS, for surely "'it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...'" (Mark 2:17).

In June, I will be heading to Guatemala, a country located south of Mexico in Central America. I am going with a group from Hope Church and Caring Partners International, a medical missions organization.


If I'm going to be honest, and you know I am, I really don't know much about this land or the beautiful people that occupy it. Furthermore, I don't necessarily feel drawn to this land or these people. To Africa? Yes. Guatemala? Not really. At least, not yet. I am praying that God will burden my heart and put a fire in my bones for this land and these people. Despite a lack of "passion" for Guatemala (at first), I felt incredibly drawn to this journey, and every day I inch closer to our departure, my heart jumps a little higher. I am BELIEVING that God will work miracles in my heart during this 9 day trip, knowing that "He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion..." (Phil. 1:6). I am also thrilled to have the chance to use what I am learning in nursing school to serve "the least of these."


We will be running free medical clinics in partnership with local churches located both in Guatemala City and Parramos. I am trusting God to provide everything I need--spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially--to do His work in Guatemala. I am also trusting God wholeheartedly to work powerfully in me and through me while I am there.

Part of the excitement beginning to well up inside of me stems from a beautiful gift I received for Christmas from my Aunt. She lovingly put together an anticipatory scrapbook of my time in Guatemala, complete with the beautiful photos you are looking at (from the N*tion*l Geogr*ph*c website) and handmade items from Guatemala to share with children I meet on my trip. As I paged through the book, I couldn't help but feel EXCITED about the journey I am preparing to take. Although this is a month overdue, THANK YOU SO MUCH, Aunt Lisa, for giving me such a beautiful gift! I can't wait to add my own pictures and thoughts to the scrapbook! Also, thank you to those who have joined me on this journey through prayer and financial support...I can't wait to share more with you as the time for my departure nears!

Adoption News and Thoughts on Waiting

Timothy is officially a KIRK!!! We are rejoicing tonight! Although there are 147 million orphans in the world, ONE MORE has a forever home! We got the phone call tonight that the Ethiopian courts had ruled today on Timothy's case...there was lots of screaming in this house = )

I am reminded tonight, once again, how often God uses WAITING to bring His plans to fruition. This morning I was reading the account of Joseph. For those of us reading the story thousands of years after it actually happened, it is easy to forget just how long Joseph waited on the Lord. He was 17, the Bible says, when God gave Him a dream...then he was thrown into a well, sold into slavery, harassed by his owner's wife only after he made them wealthy, and thrown into prison. I am intrigued and somewhat humored by the phrase that comes next: "Some time later..." I wonder how much "time" really passed. I wonder if it felt like a million years to Joseph, while to God it was obviously just a drop in the bucket of eternity. I wonder how Joseph passed his time in jail, if he began to question God's hand in his story.

I have to continually remind myself that God is writing MY story, that these days I am living ARE the destination. I often wonder when I am going to step into my God-ordained purpose, and then I remember that I am LIVING it right now, if only I will have the eyes to see it and the willing hands and heart to take hold of it. God never left Joseph. In fact, if I reflect on the account of his life in its entirety, God impacted a lot of people through Joseph in his years of "waiting." God wove an incredible story out of Joseph's life, a story that would have fallen apart without those painful years of serving an oppressive master and sitting in prison.

There are still days when I question God and wonder what I am doing in nursing school, why I can't be doing "greater" things for God...and then I remember that each day I live and breathe is another opportunity to serve those God has placed before me, to care for little hands and hearts, even if only in a gentle word of encouragement. If God can change the entire history of a nation through one man's willing hands and patient spirit while sitting in jail (for a crime he never committed), then I hope and pray He can use me as I flounder through school and often question His always PERFECT plan.

"WAIT on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14).

The new year, 21, and Africa!

I am way behind and have lots to share, so excuse any rambling that commences  : )

While I love the idea of a fresh start, New Year's "resolutions," in my experience, are often a setup for failure. I am so thankful that, in Christ, we have a fresh start every day! His mercies are new every morning! I don't need to wait until a new year to make a new plan!

I have fought against unhealthy eating habits a great deal of my life. For years, my body image and self esteem suffered. As I have continued to grow in the knowledge of Jesus, I have come to a new understanding of who I am, and my self esteem is no longer married to the way I look (at least not nearly as much as it used to be). This new freedom has allowed me to look at bad habits in a new way. My body image is no longer tied to my abillity to break bad habits. However, my health is, and my desire is to lead a healthy life, not only so that I can set a good example for my patients, but also so I can better serve God in the things He leads me to do...not to mention the fact that I just feel better when I am making healthy choices!

I have learned in the past, though, that waiting until Jan.1st to make changes is not necessary, and often leads to the false belief that perhaps everything will be easier when I wake up on New Year's Day! So I have been trying to implement small changes every day throughout the past couple of months, while also remembering that I have a new start every day! I have an amazing sister who gets an email every day with a list of everything I ate that day...the accountability is not only helpful, it is completely necessary! Big changes happen in baby steps...so I will take baby steps! My next baby step, which I am already working on, is exercising regularly, which requires finding an activity I love to do! Several years ago I began running (for the wrong reasons, but running all the same), and I quickly got burnt out. But I am finding that there are parts of running I enjoy, so I have started to get back into it...slowly. Baby steps ; ) So, although I don't really do New Year's resolutions, I wanted to share about some changes I am trying to make in my lifestyle. What are some things you are doing to live a healthier life?

Since I last posted, I started classes again...and I also turned 21! I was blessed in many ways and by many people on my birthday, and I am so thankful for God's continuing grace and direction in my life as I enter "adulthood" : ) My sister took me out for an afternoon the day before my birthday...we had so much fun cooking and bargain shopping together!  To read about some of my other birthday ventures, check out THIS sweet post my friend Amy wrote. In addition to the festivities she highlights, I was also blessed to spend the evening with my friend Rebecca and her family...they showered me with treats and blessings, too! God truly has given me some incredible friends! I can't wait to see where God takes me in this next year of my life...with Him, life will always be an adventure!

Last but not least, guess what happens tomorrow?! Amy and Stephen, or my "second parents," are leaving to go meet their son in Africa! They can't bring him home this trip, but they will be one step closer to bringing him home forever! I will be staying with their 6 other kids, so for the next week or so I will be over HERE documenting our fun adventures while the parents are away! I am so thrilled to see this little guy come home to his forever family...it can't come soon enough for any of us!

I think that's enough rambling for now = )  Please be praying for the kids and I this week, as well as for their parents in Africa!

Christmas...and clinging to the vine

Sometimes I find it hard to put into words what has been going on in my life. I have been home in Indiana (yes, amidst hay bales and cornfields...beautiful if you look at them the right way!) for Christmas.

It has been a special Christmas, mostly because I have taken the time to truly soak in the beauty that brilliantly laces the life God has given me. It has been such a blessing to just BE, to play games and sip tea and read books and enjoy moments of calm with my family. I have loved seeing new glimpses into the ways God is working in the hearts and lives of my brothers and sisters.

This year, God has begun the work of opening my eyes to the beauty in "mundane" life. On Christmas morning, while most of the house still slept (teenagers, mind you), I set out on a walk...the slow kind that leaves room for conversations with Jesus. I was so blessed to see the roads empty and looking like this:
In a way, I kind of got to spend Christmas with my dad...or at least, the snow was a constant reminder of him = ) I also loved receiving this love-kiss from God:
Watching the sun rise through the ice-covered trees was like getting a letter in the mail from God, gently saying, "My mercies are new every morning...and great is my faithfulness!"

Of course, it was wonderful to return from my walk to this:and this...
Simply a wonderful day with family, remembering God's incredible love packaged in the form of Jesus! A gift two thousand years ago...a gift for me today and tomorrow. He is faithful indeed.

If I allowed myself to, I could be overcome by nervous energy and anxiety. I start school again (after a long break...like 3 months long) in 5 days. I am reminded almost constantly of my inadequacy, of my desperate need for the VINE. I am so thankful I can be a branch and not a vine, that I can turn to Him for strength and courage and grace when I most need it.

I was reminded recently that I cannot live in a state of complacency. God clearly led me to nursing school, but I can't assume that I'll just fly through with no challenges or redirection. I cannot fall into the trap of relying on my own strength to complete what is before me. And I desperately don't want to. In 2010, I saw God provide for me in miraculous ways. I experienced what it was like to throw myself completely into God's hands. I passed tests and skills checks and board exams I shouldn't have passed on my own. As I head into 2011, I find myself once again on my knees, begging Jesus to remind me, once again, of these words:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).
Bring on 2011!


This year, Lord willing, I am anticipating:
*what?! I'm gonna be 21?!
*147 million minus one! A special baby finally coming HOME forever!
*a medical mission trip to Guatemala...more on that soon
*completing 4 of 6 remaining quarters of school
*learning more than I could ever fathom now
*continued healing from a grief that began 1.5 years ago
*continued growth in my relationship with Jesus...a daily journey I am thrilled to be taking!

Honestly, I'm more excited about what is NOT on that list...Never know what twists and turns God will throw in my plans!

Tell me about your Christmas...and what you are looking forward to as 2011 nears!

Christmas: A Wailing Package of Hope

Boy. 'Tis the season...to be SICK!
Since my head is clogged
(sorry for the graphic language...),
I thought I would share a post
I wrote last Christmas season.
Although sometimes it seems
so abstract to me,
I am praying that Jesus
continues to open my heart
and prepare me
to celebrate His birthday.
How are you preparing for Christmas?

oh, and if you are a camera junkie,
check out THIS giveaway...cute
camera strap!

***********************************

Christmas, the day we celebrate God incarnate, is just 2 days away. And yet, as I walk the dirty, snow-crusted sidewalks of Chicago, a great tsunami of sadness beaches atop my soul. Here we are, 2000 years past that stable birth, and creation still groans in longing for what she does not recognize to be among her folded skirts.

My cardboard Starbucks beverage container is printed with these words, in festive "holiday" colors: "We invite you to listen to your desires and to renew your hope. To see the world not as it is, but as it could be. Go ahead, wish. Its what makes the holidays the holidays."

If only we WOULD listen to our deepest desires, desires we have tried to kill, stifle, and silence since before we knew they screamed. If only we WOULD hope--not the kind of hoping that wishes for what cannot be, but the kind that rests in what WILL be. If only we would stop searching for what cannot be found--a world "as it could be"--and opened our eyes to the depravity of what is. Only in such a reality can we relish in the beauty of the gift birthed centuries ago--a gift that still echoes with the strains of a beautiful love song: "Hold on, Love. Don't give up now. A covering for your naked soul is here."

My sadness is cradled in that little phrase: "It's what makes the holidays the holidays." What? Wishes? Impossible utterings begging the unknown? Seeing the world through rose-colored lenses of naive imagination? The "holidays" are most certainly a bleak reminder for some of longings never to be satisfied. This is what I know: A baby King, God's human form, born in a filthy cave-barn, is what makes CHRISTMAS Christmas. A letter sent to man from his Creator, promising redemption, salvation from an invisible bondage inflicting visible pain. A wailing, pink flesh of HOPE--promises fulfilled, with a P.S. tag reading "LOVE is among you." Yes, Jesus is what makes "the holidays the holidays." He is the reason I can look into the sad eyes of so many I encounter, trying to follow instructions and "wish for what could be" but never will be, and say on the wings of a prayer, "Merry Christmas!"

For some, it will be just another day of heartache and loneliness, an always-present reminder of all they have to wish for. And it was to them that perfect, squalling package was addressed.

Amid the tidings of wishes and false hope this Christmas, aim to be a faithful deliverer of that package to those who need it most.

The Mingling of Life and Death: The Day My Daddy Went to Heaven

My dad and I shortly before His Heaven birthday

I rarely write or talk about the day my dad died. I try not to even think about it very much. There is a song, though, that plays on the radio every once in a while...and reminds me of that day.


I have not yet had the experience of birthing a child. I can only imagine that it is an incredibly spiritual experience...to take part in bringing life into the world, what a privilege! Even so, the pain cannot be bypassed.

The day my Daddy died, I thought of the painful process of childbirth. Just as a baby slowly lets go of his home in the womb, my Dad was slowly letting go of his home on earth. It was painful. It was heartbreaking. But the presence of God in that room was almost tangible. My Dad spent a lifetime walking with Jesus and praying, "Be still, my soul...He is." For the first time, as he was painfully birthed into the realm of Heaven, he was face to face with the One who was, is, and is to come. His soul was quiet.

As I sat by his side that day, reading aloud scriptures from Revelation describing the new creation, tears trickled down his cheeks. He had been unconscious for many hours by that time, unresponsive to our voices whispering "I love yous" in his ear. I don't know if those tears were merely another sign of failed control over bodily functions, or were truly in response to what I was reading. Either way, we sat and cried together for the last time. My Daddy was literally hours away from experiencing the glory of the new creation. I could almost HEAR the world fading away and the soft whisper of Heaven calling as my Dad was ushered into the presence of Jesus, leaving only the shell of his body for those of us who loved him so much.

Thinking about that day hurts. I don't like to dwell on it, mostly because, at the end of the day, I sat on that bed without a dad. But the experience of watching life mingle with death, of FEELING the world fade away as the presence of God consumes a place and takes one of His own HOME...there really is no way to explain or describe it. At the beginning of that week, LH was a husband, a father, a friend, a brother. As his physical body faded, and as he painfully breathed his last breath in the womb of this earth, he was birthed into Heaven...where he was simply HIS.

Life out of death...Be still, my soul...be still. He is.

Ladies and Gents...

We have snow = )

Every time it snows, I think of my dad. A couple of years ago, we had a massive snowstorm in my hometown...the largest in probably a couple of decades. The schools ended up being closed for a week as they tried to clear the roads enough for us country bumpkins to make our way to school.

Well, if you knew my dad, the story I am about to tell you would not surprise you at all...

As the snow "flood" began, my daddy eagerly asked me if I would go on a walk--no, a 4 mile trek--in the elements with him. I was either crazy or overly gullible to the boyish grin on his face. We bundled up and set out, hoisting our legs through the deep mounds of snow. We went in a square, or four "country blocks" as my dad called the longer-than-normal miles we traversed. The third mile was on a usually busy highway, now completely dead due to the road closures. The snow blanket produced a quiet I had never before and have never since experienced, interrupted only by our heavy breathing. As we finally trudged our way back down the driveway, some hour later, our cheeks and noses were pink and our mouths were stretched across our faces in the goofiest of smiles. Hiking in snow when the streets are dead (driving was forbidden by emergency crews) and all human life is securely locked and cozy in dry homes has that kind of effect on you = ) We may have been crazy, but that snowy trek is one of my most treasured memories of that man.

Oh, how he loved snow.