My scraps...His quilt

Today, as I was sorting through my *measly but somehow incredibly cluttered* possessions, I stumbled upon an old journal of mine. Well, actually I stumbled upon several old journals. See, I am one of those people who will buy a new journal just so I can have the "experience" of a fresh start. You know what I'm talking about. The first time you crack open that blank book...take in the "new" smell {all you book lovers out there are nodding your heads in agreement right now}....you find yourself wanting to say AHHHHH. Problem is, that feeling wears off after a couple weeks, and the no-longer-new journal finds itself on a shelf or in a drawer somewhere. And suddenly, my "fresh start" becomes just another blurp in a seemingly disconnected and random life journey.

Do you ever feel like your life story is no more than a blank book with lots of random notes and letters and pages stuffed in it? Like there is no peace, no overarching theme or unity to its contents? I must admit there are days when I wonder, days when I ask God questions like, "What the heck were you doing there?" or "Where does this leave me now?" Sometimes all I can do is look at the mess of chicken scratches scattered between books and journals and post-it notes and say, "God, I don't understand."

Today, God gave me a window. You see, there is something about weaving a story, about finding bits and pieces of it scattered in this book and on that shelf, then working to sew it all back together...there's just something about the process that is not only exciting, but also healing.

Not long before my dad died, God strengthened me for the hard road ahead in ways I did not anticipate or even see at the time. As I read the words I scribbled in a journal days before and after my daddy went to be with Jesus, I find bright hope for my tomorrow...because I am once again reminded of His faithfulness, a never-ending, always-overflowing gift of grace. And though I often find myself in a metaphorical pile of life scraps, not sure how to piece them together...well, today a thread was woven, sewing pieces of my story--of GOD'S story for my life--back together. And though I don't always know how they will fit in the end, I do know that He is good...and everything will somehow, through His handiwork, piece together into the most beautiful life quilt.

Restless

Do you ever just feel restless? As I grow to know Jesus more and more each day, I better understand this restlessness in me. It used to be a squirming, an uncomfortable longing for something I couldn't even name. It turned into a desire for the beauty, peace, and comfort that always seemed just out of reach. It became a longing for the perfection of a day in heaven, sitting next to my dad and feeling fully satisfied.

I am still restless. I am still "running hard for the other side, the world I've always been denied." There are days when I drive down the road, burdened by emotions and feelings I can't even sort out or explain. I am still trying desperately to find His face in everything, in the mundane, in the joys and aches of everyday living.

Lately, I find this song resounding with my heart. I understand now that, through this restlessness, I am looking for Him...trying to make sense out of this crazy world and the crazy world that is inside of me. On the days when I feel scrambled inside--restless--I pray that He draws me closer to Himself. I pray that, through the incompleteness (or pain, brokenness, heartache...you fill in the blank) of this life, I am reminded of the greater story He is writing, a story that will one day answer this restlessness with everlasting PEACE. Until then, I will always be looking for Him...in the tears, in the monotonous tasks of daily living, in the moments of sipping coffee with dear friends, in the longing for renewed relationship.

Are you looking for Him too?

Prayer request update

A couple of weeks ago I wrote asking for prayer for my cousin J*. I wanted to write a quick update, sharing to the best of my knowledge what is going on, and ask you to continue to pray for him and his family. If you read my previous post, you knew that J* was having a biopsy done on a mass of tissue found in his esophagus. Well, they did the biopsy and it came back inconclusive. Yes, inconclusive. So, J* is scheduled to meet with a doctor at the beginning of September to discuss next steps. Please be praying that God would give them and the doctors wisdom to know what to do next. And please be praying for his comfort...from what I have been told, he has not been feeling too great the past several weeks. He and his lovely wife, M*, have 3 precious kids. Please, please keep them all in your prayers. Thank you, friends!

Believing relentlessly

Source

After sharing with you what God has laid on my heart regarding foster care, I also have to share with you that my first instinct as I start to look down that road is to start making lists of everything I need to read and research, everything I need to DO. If only it were that easy. And while all that is not necessarily bad, God is revealing to me that it should never be first.

I have been reading through the book Relentless Hope, by Beth Guckenberger, and last night I had a chance to finish it over a cup of coffee. I had such a sweet time of prayer and reflection, and I really felt like God taught me a lot in the hour that I spent sitting outside in the dark with Him.

God has begun to give me a vision for the ministry He has laid on my heart, speaking to me through His Word and some of Beth's writing. Beth writes the following in Relentless Hope:
"Relentless hope has a fierceness about it, but it shouldn't be mistaken for ruthlessness or inconsiderateness. The fierceness represents the seriousness with which we face our opposition in this world. It's a fierce way of praying, a fierce way we stare down the lion circling the prey, or a fierce entrance into a fiery furnace. A kind of standing-your-ground that refreshingly isn't dependent on the latest polls, the opinions of others, or even a track record. It is instead a fierce hope in the One who has already accomplished all that is needed to bring peace and grace into a chaotic world and a confidence we are on the right team."

Friends, I am not a parent. I have certainly watched a lot of parents raise their children. I have cared for a lot of children. But I myself have never parented. It is easy to become overwhelmed with the thought of jumping into the parenting journey with children from "hard places," but God began to whisper to my heart last night that I need to grow in my confidence that I am on the right team...His team. And more important than any "correct parenting style", I need to be willing to fight for these precious kids with a relentless hope...to believe against all odds that they can find healing and peace in the midst of their chaotic worlds through Christ Jesus alone.

Beth interviewed a man facing considerable grief over many different losses, and he shared the following with her, recounted in her book: "The most helpful people to me are those who are willing to count the cost of stepping into the experience of someone in deep pain and who allow themselves to offer what truly matters in that moment--a heart willing to share the pain." God brought this question to my heart: Am I willing to the count the cost, to step down into the muddy pit of pain that so many of these kids face? Am I willing to offer them my heart, to share in their pain? I can learn thousands of parenting techniques, but Jesus is the only one who can capture and transform broken hearts. Am I willing to carry these kids to Him? No matter how broken their little hearts are? Am I willing to stick with them through the valleys and the mountains, to hold onto relentless hope for them and with them?

As I have already begun to pray for these kids, God has given me the vision, the calling, to be a part of "extracting the precious from the worthless" in the lives of these kids. The following Scripture passage (from Jeremiah 15) has become my plea, my prayer, and my mission:

¹⁸ Why has my pain been perpetual
And my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?
Will You indeed be to me like a deceptive stream with water that is unreliable?
¹⁹ Therefore, thus says the LORD,
“If you return, then I will restore you—
Before Me you will stand;
And if you extract the precious from the worthless, You will become My spokesman...
²⁰ “Then I will make you to this people
A fortified wall of bronze...
For I am with you to save you
And deliver you,” declares the LORD.

I am praying that God empowers me to extract the precious from the worthless...to see the beautiful things that God wants to plant in the mud, to believe in His redemption for these kids and to cling to it with relentless hope.

I will still read parenting books, I'm sure. I will still make lists and I will still research. But through it all, I will pray. I will whisper these words over and over again:
"Show me the right path, Oh Lord. Point out the road for me to follow" (Psalm 25:4).

And more than anything, I will believe that He makes beautiful things...no matter the mess we give Him to work with.

When God calls you to something "crazy"

I don't like to throw the word "calling" around very often because, well, I think it's misused frequently. For example, we justify what WE want to do by saying that "God called us to do it." But I can't explain what I am about to share with you without using this word, because there really is no other way to explain it.

When I was a sophomore in high school, a little girl in my community was murdered by the very people who were supposed to love and protect her. From that moment on, my heart toward the hurting child was claimed. In the time since then, God has repeatedly exposed me to this area of ministry...often through funny, unorthodox ways. Before little A*'s story made it onto the front page of our local newspaper, I never once gave a thought to foster care. I never thought I could handle it. Ever since that day, though, when I first read little A*'s story, there really has never been a question in my mind. God has fashioned my heart for the purpose of loving His little ones. I don't say this lightly, and I am not just throwing this word around...but God has CALLED me to this.

I just had the most amazing 3 hour conversation with a friend who has sacrificed so much for the sake of this "crazy" call to be a foster parent. Being with her, hearing her heart and sharing mine with her...brought me so much joy, and just reaffirmed what God has already been putting before me.

I have one year left in school. I am not married, not even seriously dating anyone. I have no idea where I am going to live or work after I finish school. But I do know that God has made my heart to do this. I know that people will disagree with the path my life takes, that I will be questioned and misunderstood and even called "crazy." And while I can't say that it won't be hard, I am more than excited to begin to walk down this road with God's help. After all, don't we read account after account of God leading His people to do "crazy" things? From Noah, to David, to Paul...the Bible is full of such "crazy" stories, lives transformed by faith.

Please pray for me, friends. That my faith would grow, that God would give me His heart for these kids, that He would guide me in the next several months as I start to consider what this is going to look like. And never say never...God likes to prove us wrong ; )

Thankful

God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

He has planted eternity in the human heart...

but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Today, I am choosing to be thankful. I am choosing to be thankful for His grace, His guiding hand as I face the future, for His unconditional love. I am thankful that He is still at work in my heart...and will be until the day I am made whole forever in eternity.

What are you thankful for today?

Prayer Request

Friends, I come to you tonight with a plea for prayer...a dear family member is facing a rather daunting medical diagnostic test. He and his family mean so much to me. I can't really explain the issue all that well, so here is a small description from them: "They found a small mass of tissue down his esophagus, they couldn't determine what it was so we need to go down...so they can do a biopsy. The doctor said it wasn't a fatty tissue, it seemed like something else." Please pray that God gives my cousin, J*, and his wife and kids an overwhelming sense of His peace as they face this biopsy. Please pray that nothing serious is found. Most of all, pray that God would be glorified through them as He gives them the strength to face each and every day!