God's Conviction in a Little Boy

There is nothing like sickness to make me feel sorry for myself. I have had what started as a cold for almost 3 weeks now, and to be honest, I am just tired of it. I'm tired of tissues and snot and a hacking cough and just plain feeling crummy. I'm tired of being tired. And I've complained about it--in my head, but I've complained nonetheless.

This morning I was sitting in Panera, reading my Bible and sipping on some coffee, when I noticed a little boy across the room start to vomit. His mom gently held his head into a potato chip bag and softly soothed, loud enough for me to hear, "It's okay buddy, it's okay." I looked around and saw that no one was jumping up to help this woman and her sick little guy, so I moved to get some napkins and hand them to her as she started to clean up the mess. As she wiped up the vomit, I went back to what I was doing. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the little boy went back to his lunch and his mom sat down next to him like nothing had happened. In my head, I started to judge her: "THIS is why we have a stomach flu epidemic! Moms like HER don't have enough polite regard for the public--aka, ME--to take this sick boy home instead of sitting with him in a public place to expose everyone to his germs!"

I have noticed that God uses the most simple, mundane moments to convict us of our most "simple, mundane" sins. As I moved to leave, I felt a hand on my shoulder and, as I turned around, I was greeted by the face of the woman I had been quietly judging. "Thanks again for the napkins," she said. Then she spoke the three words God used to convict my heart of too-quick judgments and a complaining and ungrateful attitude: "He has cancer."

I was shocked. After all, he didn't look like he had cancer. As I got in my car and drove away, conviction overwhelmed my heart and tears oozed from my eyes. While I have a nasty cold that has made life very uncomfortable, this little boy has a disease that is threatening even his ability to eat a little lunch. While I will "suffer" through my minor illness for maybe a few weeks, this little boy may not even live to "suffer" through such an annoyance. And before I even begin to pat myself on the back for merely laying some napkins on the table for this little guy, I stop to consider the great sacrifices made by his mother. She has chosen to allow her boy to live life to the fullest, undeterred by the judging stares flashed her way by strangers like me.

Today, won't you consider with me the abundance of blessings that scatter our paths? Once we see the beauty of all God has blessed us with, maybe we will have more compassion in our hearts and vigilance with our eyes to notice the hurt that also litters our path. Oh Lord, give me eyes to see past the obvious, to notice the immense hurt around me.

To Kiss Girl Nastiness Goodbye

Remember that time your girlfriend didn't invite you to her party and you felt really left out? I felt that feeling a lot growing up. I was lonely and felt like I didn't really belong anywhere. Thankfully, my mom and dad gave me the best advice they could have possibly given me in times of loneliness and girl drama, and that advice has stuck with me for a long time: Look for the other person who feels left out and become her friend.

Girls are funny. And by funny I mean funny complex. We feel unable, or perhaps not allowed, to communicate in the aggressive way boys communicate anger {with fists and shouts}, so we instead harbor grudges and use the undercover weapons of gossip, rumors, and backstabbing. We talk to her but not her. We invite her but not her...making sure she knows she's not invited. We use friendship as a weapon. And despite the many battle tactics wielded by the mean girl, everyone still wants to be one of the chosen elect that form her group of friends...we need affirmation that much. The sad thing is, girls never seem to grow out of this. We just get better at hiding our nasty undercover aggression, cloaking it in pretend kindness and {fake} smiles.

So what does it mean to be a godly woman, to communicate in a way that pleases God? Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just stop talking to girls altogether. Sure would be easier...right? Or maybe we should all just live in distant caves, only communicating with grunts when we need food or water. Do we resign ourselves to either fighting the battle or drowning our sorrows in chocolate? If so, I'll take the chocolate, please.

Thanks to my mom and dad, I learned a long time ago that there is another way. There is a higher road, a road that few dare to trod. It is the road that leads to godliness and the kind of heart fulfillment that only He can provide. Godly communication, communication from the heart of a woman who knows her God intimately...that's what I want. I am far from having this foreign language mastered, but I have picked up some hints along the way that I am trying to remember as I seek to walk the higher road:

~Putting someone down gets me nowhere.
~Gossip will only bite the gossiper in the butt.
~She is really not all that...Another words, having my identity tied to whether or not she likes me at the moment is going to lead to a very rocky existence. Having my identity built upon who I am in Christ, however...there is true fulfillment.
~Honesty may be painful but it is always better. I'm not very good at this one...I don't want to rock the boat. I'd rather brush it all under the rug and maintain my perfect image. I LIKE being liked...who doesn't? But sometimes it is better just to get it all out on the table and risk losing a friend or maybe even hurting some feelings...otherwise, all those buried emotions are going to rupture someday, and all you are going to be left with is a whole lot of pain and a big mess that will have resulted in nothing but heartache...a heartache much greater than the one you may have produced if you had just been honest in the first place.
~Using words is way more productive than using covert glances or hand gestures. I can't expect everyone to read my mind {or my face, for that matter}. Sometimes you just gotta come out and SAY it!
~I am NEVER alone. Not only do I have the constant companionship of my Savior and God, there are also many, many people who--guaranteed--feel alone too. Rather than waiting for someone to befriend you, be a friend to someone!
~It is only human to have feelings. However, in Christ I am a new creation...which means I no longer have to be controlled by my feelings. When someone does something that offends or hurts me, I can choose to let that control and guide me {and ruin my day/year/life}, or I can choose to take it to and leave it at the cross. How freeing is that?! By holding grudges or allowing ourselves to feel crushed by something someone else did or said, we are giving them the power to steer us. As a child of the Living God, I want HIM to steer me! *Ahem...I'm not very good at this one either...but I would really like to be!*
~"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth" (1 John 3:18). The best way to combat untruth, and unhealthy communication for that matter, is with actions and truth. I want to live and communicate with such Christ-like maturity and grace that "those who oppose [me] may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about [me]" (Titus 2:8).

What has God taught you about healthy communication from the heart of a woman?

A Fading Hope

Hope is Fading – Orphan Sunday from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.

Seeing Timothy's Face

I am so incredibly happy to share THIS NEWS with you all...I have had the great privilege of journeying with my "second family" as they have celebrated the highs and clung to Jesus in the deep valleys on this road of adoption. I can honestly say that my life is forever changed. My heart has been softened, my eyes have been opened, and I will never be the same again. Today, I was overjoyed to share in their celebration as we all soaked in the beautiful face we have been praying for and eagerly anticipating for so many long months. There are feelings welling up in my heart that I cannot even begin to put words to! Praise be to God, for His never ending faithfulness and heart of adoption! Little Timothy's face will forever be etched on my heart (and carried in my wallet...hehe)! Please head on over HERE to congratulate the Kirks!

When Tomorrow Becomes Today

"Every time we finally reach the future, it vanishes into the present. This perplexing tendency of the future to keep eluding us does not, of course, teach us to be more present, but rather to accelerate faster. We redouble our straining toward the future, never stopping to see where we are, never pausing to taste the fruits of our labor. [We tell ourselves that] our true nourishment will come when we are successful, when we are rich, when we are saved, when it is our turn" (Wayne Muller).

It vanishes into the present... Do you ever get caught up in Tomorrow? Find yourself saying, "Tomorrow I'll go on that diet. Tomorrow I'll read that book. Tomorrow I'll volunteer at that one place...." Tomorrow. Always Tomorrow. And meanwhile, today becomes Tomorrow. Tomorrow vanishes into the present, and all our great plans become the new Tomorrow's plans.

We live in a culture that teaches us to think in terms of Tomorrow. We ask our children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We live by our calendars and our scheduling devices, making grand plans that help bring Tomorrow here faster so we don't have to revel in the drabness of today. The drug of busyness becomes an intoxicating way to numb ourselves from the monotony of today that never seems to disappear.

I, myself, am a victim of Tomorrow. In high school it was always, "When I get to college I am going to..." Now the mantra is, "When I finish nursing school, I'll..." I dream in shades of Future, often forgetting that today is the old Tomorrow. I've always thought, I'll do something grand for God when... When. When I am trained. When I am older. When I am married. When, when, when. What happens when the when becomes the now? When doing something grand for God becomes a piece of everyday life? When SERVING GOD IN AFRICA becomes wiping mud and grime from tiny, African hands? When ADOPTING AN ORPHAN becomes changing poopy diapers and laundering dirty socks? When VOLUNTEERING AT A CRISIS PREGNANCY CENTER becomes answering prank phone calls and making thousands of copies? What does happen when the when becomes now? Do we move on to something even more "grand"?

It seems it often takes a tragedy for us to be confronted with a truth we continually seem to be running from: None of us is promised Tomorrow. No one can truly say with confidence, "Tomorrow will be the day!" We live in denial, presuming that we are invincible, that WE will be the ones to last forever. Why enjoy today when there is always Tomorrow? Why use our resources to serve someone today when there will always be that beach retirement we have to save for? Why have a family dinner today when there are soccer practices and dance lessons to attend as we earn our small children a nice college scholarship? Denial. We are not promised Tomorrow. We're not promised a summer vacation, much less a retirement. We are not promised the chance to attend college or see our children attend college. We are not promised another breath.

We do have the gift of this breath, though. Are you too focused on Tomorrow to take in the abundance of blessing in today? To allow "the peace of God that transcends all understanding" to wash over your heart today? To be all there, totally present in the place God has you NOW? Are you investing in TODAY, serving God with the attitude of your heart in the monotony of TODAY?

I am learning why a daily walk with Jesus is so crucial to our existence on this planet. It is all too easy to turn to Him when we want answers about Tomorrow, when we want to know where we should turn next. Maybe the answers about WHERE NEXT have been in the HERE all along. Maybe the question should not be, "God, what do you want me to do NEXT?" but "God, what do you want me to do NOW?"

I cannot grow complacent in the deceiving rumble of Tomorrow. God, give me ears to hear your whisper in TODAY.

Beautiful Things

Two years ago, I had just moved back home after the devastating blow of my dad's diagnosis made its way to my heart. I couldn't allow myself to be a newly independent college student exploring the world anymore. I was torn apart, yet unable to understand or piece together my "new" life--a life marked by visits to doctors and dreaded scan results. Days of watching my dad lay in bed, his body failing him as he tried to survive the "healing" chemicals dumped into his veins. Two years ago I was breaking.

A year ago, I had just started school and was overwhelmed with grief--emotions I had no built-in "equipment" to handle, no past experiences to guide me as I attempted to traverse the waters of my life without a dad. I was sitting in a counselor's office, sobbing as I tried to put words to the storm inside me. I was sitting at a table beside other men and women facing the ugly effects of death on their once happy lives. I was trying to find the "new" me--the me without my dad, the me who would never be a normal 19 year old again. I was broken.

Today, I am listening to the words of this song...and my heart finds rest, knowing my story has finally found a way out. The jumbled pieces of my brokenness have found expression in these words:

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

By Gungor

Today, God has made beautiful things out of my dust. Two years ago I was breaking...A year ago I was broken...Today, out of the broken and dry, barren and cracked soil of my heart, beautiful things are sprouting. Because God makes beautiful things out of dust. God makes beautiful things out of cancer. God makes beautiful things out of death. God makes beautiful things out of loneliness and grief. God makes beautiful things out of gut-wrenching tears. God makes beautiful things out of BROKENNESS.

So today, as I begin to discover the loveliest of things sprouting out of my brokenness, my prayer is that you will begin to understand the power of God to not only create galaxies out of nothingness, but also to mend broken hearts. To create beautiful things out of US. To make beautiful things in YOU. Do you believe it?

Finding Rest in the Rhythm

Do you ever wonder at the rhythm that is life?  Summer...fall...winter...spring.  A baby is born, grows up, has babies of her own, tends to them, then ultimately dies.  The sun rises high into the sky and, just like clockwork, sets in a glorious array of colors.  Everything seems to follow this God-made rhythm.  

It makes me wonder how I can be so incredibly grateful for a myriad of blessings that abound in my life, and yet still be overwhelmed with grief and sadness as I consider the part of the rhythm we all long to avoid...death.  Brokenness, pain, suffering, heartache.  I am confronted with this beat again and again: A beautiful woman whose face is bruised at the hands of someone she trusted, an incredible man whose life story ended long before it seemed to reach a conclusion, a young girl ridding herself of the terrifying unknown of an unexpected pregnancy, even a family struggling to gain a hold on a vermin that has invaded their sacred space.  And just when we think the world should stop spinning on its access in somber recognition of the death that haunts us all, the rhythm continues.

Babies are still born.  Spring still comes.  The sun still rises.  And life marches on, seemingly oblivious to the fact that some have not marched with it.  While I do not understand the rhythm, I can choose to fight it with dissonant clangings of my own, or I can rest in knowing that the God who is sovereign over all things NEVER changes.  As the summer fades into fall, as the sun rises in the sky, as I mourn over death that surrounds me, as I revel in the delights that bring me joy...HE remains. Unmovable, unshakable, unchanged.  If life follows a rhythm, He is the steady beat of the metronome, guiding the entire rhythm: "Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta......."  

So today...I will find rest in His gentle whisper: "Be still and know that I am God..."