Gettin'-Stuck Miracles

The day had arrived. I was to be taking a test that would determine my eligibility to remain in school for the next step of the program in which I am enrolled. A big deal...and I was sick. I woke up with a pounding sinus headache and a fever. Knowing I could not miss the test for anything, even what I perceived to be a *terrible* illness, I rolled out of bed and into my car, heading toward the test center.

As I fell into my uncomfortable (no surprise there) chair, facing the grimacing computer before me, I was reminded of everything God and I had conquered in the past year. Lots of scary firsts. Lots of do-it-perfectly-or-get-kicked-out skills tests. Lots of studying until facts and figures oozed out of my ears. Lots of wiping people's you-know-whats. Lots of me falling on my face (figuratively and sometimes literally) before God, inadequate and weak. Lots of Him pulling through for me, giving me the strength to do what I could not do on my own.

This big test day would be no different.

As the proctor droned on with instructions repeated three, four, even five times, my mind raced to that quiet place I share with Jesus. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Jesus, I'm sick. I don't know why you let this happen at a time like this, but it is what it is. So if you want me to be a nurse, you better do something.
Jesus: ASH, I have already won this battle for you. I have gone before you and prepared a straight path for you. All you have to do today is STAND and let me lead you down the path I have prepared. Got it?
Me: If you say so...

That was two weeks ago, and I am still in awe. I have learned something as I have journeyed with Jesus on this nursing school adventure: If God calls you to be something or to go somewhere or to do something, He doesn't leave you high and dry and expect you to get there on your own. No, He'll pick you up and take you there. He'll part the Red Sea. He'll open doors and hearts and wallets. And when He doesn't, He'll give you the wisdom and strength and ability to do what you need to do to get where He has called you to be.

Have I worked hard? Yeah. Could I have passed that test on my own? No way. That's why I came out of that testing center saying, "God, you must really want me to be a nurse!"

I am learning that the absolute BEST place to be is in a bind. You heard me...in a sticky, no-way-out-on-my-own bind. Why? Because ordinary (and not-so-ordinary) miracles start happening as God works on your behalf. Have YOU ever allowed yourself to get stuck as you step out in faith to do something beyond your capability for God?

Amen.

Amen. AMEN. May we be men and women who seek out JUSTICE, who pray for the OPPRESSED, who LONG for the day when all will be made right again. May we be men and women who willingly TAKE UP THE cross to follow Him...into the homes of the broken...right where He's been all along. Amen.

Oye.

The dark sky was crystal clear, twinkling with thousands of God-lights. With a mug of steaming tea in one hand, and a sweatshirt in the other (ahem. SWEATSHIRT. alleluia, fall is coming!), I reclined my chair and took the time to soak in the BIGNESS of the sky and the moon. As quickly as it takes for me to fall to my knees, I was once again reminded of my smallness. I am tiny. Nothing. A blip when lined up against the galaxies. But somehow, despite my smallness, God can use me to do BIG things in His larger-than-life story.

Oye. Talk about humbling.

When I think about where He has me, who He has me seeing, touching, speaking to on a daily basis, I am shattered in simultaneous gratitude and fear. How can I EVER fulfill that job description?

I can't. I can't. And it's in that little word that I find my greatest hope. I can't. My back is up against the wall...And I serve a God who is the Master Rescuer, a God who has my back every time.

So, at the end of the day, I'm ready. My BIG God and I can do anything, and as that anything becomes something, His larger-than-life story is written. And somehow, by His overwhelming grace, my name finds its way into the script.

Ever think about that? If you try, your head might hurt. Sometimes all I can say is...

Oye.

Faithful

Today, I sipped on a pumpkin spice latte as I celebrated and reveled in God's faithfulness to me. Fall is coming, as promised by the hint of vibrant colors beginning to creep over trees in my neighborhood and the cool, gentle breeze sweeping through my hair. Fall is my favorite season, and this fall I am reminded of God's faithfulness. Sometimes, His faithfulness is like a gentle whisper...barely heard above the commotion of the world as we are hurled from one trial to another. Sometimes, like the day my Daddy took his final breath on this earth, His faithfulness is firm but silent. Sometimes, like my today, His faithfulness screams, "I am HERE! I am RUNNING with you!" Sometimes, His faithfulness is a sweet melody over a sleeping heart. But just as I know that fall is coming, because it always comes...I know that He is ALWAYS faithful. He is faithful in the Winter, when all is dark and you think there is no life left in you. He is faithful in the Spring, when you are filled with joy and just want to scream His name at the top of your lungs. He is faithful in the Summer, when the steadiness of His presence is as sure as the heat of the noonday sun. And He is faithful in the Fall, when you feel like you are a tree being stripped of your garment. He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful. Mmmm. I can curl up with a good book and a steamy pumpkin spice latte, knowing that I will wake up tomorrow a different person...every day brings new challenges and rewards that will change the story of my life. But HE will always be the same. Because HE is faithful.

God's Imagination

"Isn't it possible that the life that your soul longs for is beyond even your imagination? Is it possible that no matter how big your dreams are, how expansive your imagination, how ambitious your goals, they pale in comparison to what you could begin to see in your life if you would invite God into your life conversation?" (from Wide Awake, by E. McManus).

I love that I was created in the image of a God who loves to dream big dreams for His people. I love that God had His people march around a city for 7 days to make it fall down. I mean, who coulda come up with THAT one? And what about the plagues? Or Noah building a stinkin' stadium of a boat to be saved from a ginormous flood to kill the rest of humanity? And nothin' can beat the talking donkey! I only hope that my life story is teeming with the same kinds of crazy twists and turns that appear all over the Bible, pointing to the power and imagination of our God.

I think some people are frightened by the unknown of the future. Knowing that I have a God who loves to dream, I find myself sitting on the edge of my seat with bated breath waiting for the future to arrive. I find myself whispering to the Author of my story, "God, where are you gonna take me next?!?! Can you take me on a crazy adventure???"

I find it incredibly sad that so many people today, so many followers of Christ, live lives of monotony and drudgery. The world is full of people who live small lives, lives that are marked by selfishness and indulgence, by purposeful ignorance to everything outside of their spheres of comfort. Shouldn't God's people be men and women with BIG lives, BIG worlds...BIG dreams? What if we invited God into our life stories? What crazy things would He do with them to accomplish His purpose?

Maybe "God is waiting for you to recognize that you cannot control the four winds, but He can. If He commands you to act, and if you will trust Him, you will see all of creation move in concert to accomplish in you what you were created to do" (McManus). Wouldn't you rather LIVE what you were created to do, instead of just dreaming about it at night? Maybe we should all try inviting God into our life stories. After all, a talking donkey is better than any dream I've ever had...And God's imagination never dies.

Who God Made Me to Be

I LOVE that God's word is alive and active. I was praying the other day about what God had me here on this earth to do...what is the heart of my mission here? God has equipped me individually and specifically for a unique ministry on this earth. WHAT IS IT? As I was praying, I remembered a passage I had read a couple of years ago. I flipped to it again, and discovered...THIS is my mission. THIS is the heart of why God created me:

"If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in darkness, and your night will become like noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; You will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings" (Is. 58:10-12).

This passage captures the heart of the vision God has laid on my heart for the time I have on this earth. If I had to describe, in one word, the person God is fashioning me to be, it would be a NURTERER. I am a nurterer. And I love the image of a gardener tenderly caring for thirsty and dying plants, restoring a dying garden to its once thriving state. THAT is who God made me to be! There are children and men and women all around the world dying of THIRST. Thirst for the Living Water. God has called me to be His Waterer...the one who NURTURES His children back to LIFE in Him. I want to be like a "spring whose waters never fail" so that I can be POURING into the lives of the THIRSTY. At the end of my life and ministry here on this earth, I want people to remember that Jesus TRULY IS a Repairer of Broken Walls, a Restorer of Streets with Dwellings! He is a Repairer of broken lives, a Restorer of men and women and children who, according to the world, were a "lost cause!"

I am so thankful God is allowing me to take part in His work.

As I was thinking about the different roles of a "nurterer," several came to mind that I still need to grow into. I am praying that God continues to fashion me into the "gardener" he wants me to be! These are the roles I am praying He would grow me to fill in the lives of His children:

Encourager
Treasurer
Protector
Fosterer
Teacher
Healer
Refiner
Sustainer
Comforter
Supporter
Cultivator
Keeper
Embracer

I had never heard this song before today, but I think it, too, captures the heart of who Jesus wants me to be in this world! I WANT to be His love to a dying people! I want to be His voice, His hands, His chain-breaker, His peace-maker, His hope! Ultimately, I want to carry the broken to the cross.

What does God have YOU here to do?
If you are still breathing, He has you here for a PURPOSE.

Relationships and Death

Before that day, I trusted easily. Faults had to be revealed--people didn't start with them. Now, people start with them and trust has to be earned.

That day, my world crashed and relationships were never the same...because I realized no one is unbreakable. Everyone will shatter, even if someone else does the breaking. And because everyone will shatter, every human relationship will end in death. Every one. Oh, we try to ignore, hide, avoid a reality as disheartening as this one, but ultimately we cannot escape the truth.

That day, the truth tackled me like a giant sumo wrestler leveling his opponent.

Some days, I hate it. I hate that I think the worst, that I prepare for death before life has even begun to sprout. I hate it. And I wonder how Jesus related...the One who knows the heart of every man on earth. How could He know the truth and still relate? How could He see the black reality of sin--of pride, greed, jealousy, anger--and still make Himself vulnerable in relationship?

How do I share myself, knowing the end reality? A painter can create a brilliant masterpiece, but why should he fashion it if he knows it will only be thrown in the fire upon completion? Therein lies a deeper contemplation I rarely dare to visit.

Can it be that the momentary beauty of the painting is of such surpassing brilliance that even death cannot thwart it? Can I claw away the layers of who I am on top--the skin, the muscle--and expose my inner reality, not knowing if I will be picked clean or healed? Right now, being eaten alive overwhelms me, so I rest in this shroud of anonymity.

Maybe someday I will once again venture into nakedness, glorying in the momentary beauty of the painting rather than honing in on this reality that now stands before me, taller than Goliath.