Big Feet and the Battle for Beauty

I learned to hate my body at a young age. It probably started the day I watched Cinderella place her dainty feet in those glass slippers and realized I could never be a princess. I could easily sympathize with the ugly, loudmouthed stepsisters because I had big feet too. Those beautiful glass shoes were too big for me to fill...or too small, as the case may be. After all, they don't make glass slippers in the men's shoe department, which is where I have to shop.
Along with my big feet, I was chubby and had frizzy curls I could not control. I looked around and I noticed. The noticing might not have been a problem, except that comparison quickly followed as I learned that straight hair and small feet were "in," along with anyone who could be described by the adjectives tall, lithe, tan, and thin. I was none of those, so I must be "out."  In junior high and high school, I went through the "I am not, therefore I must become" stage that some women never leave. I took up running and nearly starved myself dieted to lose the chub. I dabbled in beauty products and shades of eye shadow, hoping to become someone I was not. As I tried to morph myself into the "in girl," a funny thing happened. No matter how hard I tried, I still was not tall, lithe, tan, or thin. My feet certainly had not shrunk. I could make my hair straight, but that project required the sacrifice of an hour I was not willing to give up because, well, "they" say you need your beauty's sleep too. I was no longer chubby, but I was still not Barbie--and I was not the "in girl" either. You know, the girl who gets noticed. I will be the first to admit that I am a slow learner, and this particular lesson has taken me many, many years to learn. There are some lessons, though, that I hope I never stop learning, and this is one of them:  I am most powerful and effective when I am me.  It has taken years of heartache, but I have finally accepted that I will never be a good you. We women spend too much time living in comparison. We are observant...we notice the beautiful. By itself, this innate gift is a blessing. But when we allow ourselves to "stack up the competition," so to speak, we get into trouble. We abandon the pursuit of growth in pursuit of imitation.  I am calling for a rebellion, a linking of arms against the pursuit of imitation. Can we women just agree to boycott comparison? To acknowledge the mountains other women are climbing without diminishing our own? Can we seek out beauty that goes beyond small feet, straight hair, and a body that will not survive the rigors of aging? I will take up this banner and carry it proudly. Right now, that means I am going to climb a mountain that is new for me. I'm going to slip my big feet in some big 'ole running shoes and complete a marathon. Notice I did not say "run"--because I might walk some and that's okay. My goal is to finish. I mentioned that I have tried to become a runner in the past. I can't tell you how many times I have quit in discouragement as I have failed to achieve a certain time or complete a particular race someone else has championed. Then I realized I can just be me. I may not be able to run with the Olympians, or even YOU, but that doesn't mean I can't run. I am abandoning imitation in the pursuit of growth. What is it for you? What mountain have you given up climbing because it is not someone else's Everest? Maybe today is the day to strap on your hiking boots and start climbing--because you will never be me, but you are a pretty darn good you. And maybe that mountain in front of you will allow you to become an even better you. A stronger, wiser, more compassionate, more vibrant you.  THAT girl is beautiful...big feet, frizzy hair, and all.

Choosing to Trust

This week has been hard. One of asking God over and over, "Reveal yourself to me! Move my heart in response to your Word!" and hearing in response only...silence. I went into the week asking God to give me a word of encouragement to share in this space, and yet each day I was greeted with the same...silence.  
Last night God finally (in his timing) spoke over my heart, but it was not what I expected to hear. Not what I wanted to hear either. But it was good, and right, and I believe it is what He wants me to share here. 
Do you ever struggle to trust people with your heart? Oh man, do I have a hard time with this. I'm sure I haven't always had trouble trusting. But past hurts have a way of scarring, don't they? A bruise turns into a scar, and every time another punch is landed, the scar deepens...until your heart is under a vault, and the key buried even deeper.
Can you bring to mind those people whom you have trusted with your heart, those people you have asked to hold and protect it...people who have betrayed your trust by smashing your heart into a thousand pieces? Can you name someone who has made you never want to trust again? 
It hurts, doesn't it? On behalf of those people, I am SO sorry. They wronged you. They WRONGED you. I believe God weeps over those wrongs, over the words and actions and hurtful situations that caused you to build another layer of the wall around your heart.
It may not seem like it here, because writing on this screen in some way feels safe, but I am a stalwart wall. I rarely let people in, mostly because I have in the past and they have wrecked me. I don't want to trust anymore. I don't want to ask for help. I don't want to need. 
And yet, God whispered over my heart last night..."Abigail, it is in the needing that you are made whole." 
Oh, the pain of that statement. Of believing it to be true. Because knocking down the wall? Ripping away the scar tissue? It hurts. It hurts to trust when you have been let down. 
But it hurts more not to trust. 
It hurts more not to trust...because you miss out on the beauty of deep community. Of knowing and being known in a way only God could design and ordain. And that's why, time and time again...no matter how many times my heart is shattered or broken or abandoned...I will trust.  Because it is in the trusting that I am made whole. And people? They are just people...sinful, broken people. They are not God. 
I don't know how, but today I am going to choose to trust. To take off a layer of the brick wall around my heart. I am going to trust that the very God who created my inmost being will guard it when others can't. It is hard, but I am going to fight for it. Will you?

Where is the Justice?

This morning, I cheerfully waltzed stumbled into work and was greeted by a coworker in tears. 
A little over a year ago, her son tragically passed away. Since then, she has connected with a group of mothers also grieving the loss of a child. 
Her tears were on behalf of one of these dear friends who was bravely facing the one year anniversary of her son's death when the unthinkable happened...She found herself grieving the loss of her other son to a horrible car accident. 
Two sons...gone from this world...exactly one year apart. 
I couldn't help but silently weep with my coworker as she mourned for her friend. 
Where is the justice? 
As a follower of Jesus, I know the end of the story. I have hope that all the pain, and despair, and brokenness marring this world will one day be redeemed.
But sometimes I think it is appropriate to sit in the ashes of this yuck, the mess that sin has caused.  To weep with those who weep.  To scream with those who cry out for answers. 
To say "WHERE IS THE JUSTICE???" to the very God who has all the answers and is bringing redemption to the brokenness.
I think it is okay, and I think it is right. I imagine Jesus sitting outside the tomb of Lazarus, weeping... even though He knew the end of the story. 
To mourn over the pain birthed by sin...I think this is a right response, especially when that pain becomes personal and starts messing with those you love. 
So tonight? I'm rejoicing that it is Friday (and that means the weekend! Hip hip hooray!), but I am also mourning. I am hating sin, despising Satan's attempts to throw people into despair, and I am cursing death.

Changes

I believe that part of my passion/calling/spiritual gifting is encouraging others. I have been thinking and praying a lot about how I can best use this blogging space to do just that...to spur others on in this journey of life.    What draws you to a blog? I have realized that the blogs I follow religiously and truly look forward to reading are those that dive into *real life* and give me a glimpse into a *real person's* struggles, joys, and passions. I want to author a blog like that...I want to write from my heart, to share what my *real, dirty, unedited life* looks like.
I don't know exactly what that new blog will look like or when it will unfold, but it is on the horizon. It is easy to look at someone's little piece of the internet and think, "Gosh, what a perfect life." I don't want that. I want others to read what I write and come away thinking, "Thank goodness there is someone else on this planet who struggles with that! Maybe we can learn how to grow together!"
Part of the process of deciphering what my new blog will look like is examining my heart and narrowing down the message(s) I want to share. A few things that I know I am passionate about are: Beauty...and the battle many women fight to feel beautiful Single living The grief journey...what it looks like to grieve after losing a loved one Kids! Especially those who are vulnerable and alone. Nursing.
I'm not sure if I have many readers still out there, but if you are, what kinds of things do you want to read about?

When your soul is bone-tired...

..."Tell me 10 things you're thankful for" Today I am weary. Not the kind that can be cured with a nap, but the kind that leaves your heart feeling like it is running a marathon. I wish I could explain why, or what sort of marathon I have been metaphorically running, but I don't really even know or understand myself. I'm just tired...drained...empty.
When I was younger, one of my bestest friends in the world, who also happens to be my wise older sister, would always pull me out of a funk (i.e. miserable pity party) by requiring me to do "thankfuls" with her. She would say, "Tell me 10 things you are thankful for." Nothing like being grateful to remind you that life is not all about you pull you out of a funk. Did I mention that she is wise?   My thankfuls for tonight: 1. A picnic at the park with a friend 2. Surviving kids' church this morning...thank you Jesus for wisdom and flexibility! Two essentials when you are dealing with 12 preteen boys. Ha! 3. Iced coffee. Um, yes please! 4. Baby snuggles with the sweetest, most laid back baby I have ever met. For reals. 5. A beautiful day yesterday...building a pond for a sweet lady and her family. Boom! 6. House M.D. Be still my sarcasm/bloodgutsgore/mysteriousdisease-loving heart. 7.  A robin's nest with new life cooking...right outside my bathroom window. 8. Windows. Seriously...spring would not be the same without them. 9.  Rollerblading at sunset...what I am about to do = ) 10. His mercy...which is new every morning. Amen and amen.  

An Open Letter to All the Single Ladies

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Dear Single Women, Tonight I threw my windows wide open, picked a new recipe to try, and blasted John Mayer as I filled my kitchen with delectable odors. While I prepared sustenance to feed others, I fed my spirit and thanked Jesus for this stage of my life.
You see, I am not always thankful for these single years. Maybe you aren't either. Believe me, I get it. But sometimes I think we are way to quick to wish away this season of life. You see, there is a freedom unique to single life. Freedom to love hard and big on other people, freedom to spend your time serving and encouraging, freedom to pursue your passions without having to take another person into account. 
I watch so many of you hate this time of life and beg for it to end. I've been there myself. It can be hard when everyone around you is dating, getting married, having babies, and seemingly finding the "spark" of life that is always just out of reach for you. But I wonder...what will we miss if we choose to dwell on what is not instead of focusing on the shower of grace and joy right in front of us? 
Tomorrow, I will:  meet some girls from my small group for coffee  love on some precious kids (not because I have to, but just because I can)  cook and deliver meals to various families facing various trials enjoy the beautiful sunshine while going for an afternoon run spend the evening with my mom and brother. 
No, I don't have a significant other to call or text or hang out with, but tomorrow, I will choose to be okay with that. After all, how many of the above things would I be able to do if I was also juggling all that is involved in caring for a husband and family? I am finding the joy in this season of freedom God has me in right now. 
To all you single women in the same season, I say this: I get it. I know the heartache of feeling alone in singleness, the never-ending dread of those awkward "third wheel" moments, the longing to be known deeply and intimately. I also know that God has given me a unique opportunity to shower His love and encouragement on many people as I cook them meals, send them encouraging texts, take care of their kids, or visit at the drop of a hat when a hug is needed...things I will not always have the freedom to do. One day when I am, Lord willing, married with kids, I hope to look back on this season of singleness and know that I filled these days to the brim with love and passion and encouraging others. 
What about you? Are you choosing to find joy and purpose in this season of singleness, or are you too busy wishing it away? I hope you will choose to revel in the freedom instead of sulking over what is not. Don't let the joy pass you by!
 Love,

Jesus wants His daughters to be powerful

This month, my small group has been discussing spiritual gifts. After our discussion last night, I left with one major conclusion: Jesus wants His daughters to be powerful. 
As we went around the circle, talking about what spiritual gifts each of us has been given, I noticed that we women have unique gifts the world needs.  We are passionate.  We are encouragers.  We are nurturers.  We are emotional.  We are merciful.  And I believe He wants us to be powerful.
Satan would like nothing more than for us to be insecure and lazy. And that's what our culture has allowed us to become, hasn't it?  We are told that our worth and effectiveness is bound up in our physical beauty.  We are told that we are only as good as the men by our sides.  Risking criticism, I might even add that some women are told by the church that they are not allowed to be effective in the gifts God has given them...simply because they are women.  Satan certainly doesn't want powerful women in this world--because He knows what God can use powerful women to do.
Are you living the powerful life God intends for you to live as His daughter? Last week I was reading Proverbs 31. As I was sifting through this passage, I compiled a list on my phone of what a noble woman looks like, according to Proverbs 31. This is what I came up with:

There is a lot of controversy in the church about what a woman's role is, both in the church and at home. I won't delve into that here, but...WOW. In my mind, the above list adds up to a powerhouse of a woman. Imagine if every one of God's daughters were empowered to love Him and serve Him in the ways listed above. Imagine if every Christ-following woman made it her mission in life to serve Jesus with power using the gifts He has given her. What kind of world would we live in?!

Dear Little Brother,

Today is your birthday, and it makes me think of that day I first met you. In many ways, you are the one who made me a big sister. Sure, I was already Big Sister, but I wasn't really old enough to understand it until you came into the world. As I gazed into your chubby little infant face, I only halfway understood what I have come to understand today...that being Big Sister is not only a wonderful privilege, but also a frightening responsibility.

You fill my heart and challenge me in ways no one else does. I cannot imagine who I would be had God not given me you. Your name means, "Jehovah has healed," and "The Lord burns; fire of the Lord." Your Biblical namesake became king at only eight years old, after his father died. Somehow, that is both ironic and fitting at the same time. I have cried many tears for you and for CR, not knowing the effect Dad's death might have on your young lives. The aftermath of that night will remain forever emblazoned in my mind: Hearing you sob gut-wrenching tears over losing your hero and best friend broke me. I have had to trust God with your heart, over and over, believing that He would care for you and Shepherd you as your Daddy, since your earthly daddy cannot be here. 
And He has, hasn't He? He has healed you, and He has placed His fire deep down inside you. He has given you big responsibility, just as He gave your namesake in the Bible. I pray that you will step into your name in new ways this year. That you will know His healing and His fire deep down to your toes. That you will continue to grow in humility, courage, and leadership. That you will step into your God-given gifts with boldness and sincerity. That you will understand in deeper ways your identity as a son of LH and of the Most High God. Dad would be so proud of the man you are becoming. I know I am. I am proud to be your big sister, and I am challenged to love deeper because of you. 

Happy 17th birthday. I love you so much. 

New life

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new is here!" 1 Corinthians 5:17

I have been longing for spring to arrive for several weeks now. For some reason, this winter just seemed to drag on...and on and on and on! So when I woke up this morning to the sound of birds chirping outside my window and caught a glimpse of beautiful blooms as I walked to the kitchen, I took a deep breath and whispered thanks to the Creator of all things new. 
As I sipped my morning coffee, I began to think about spring, and the new life she brings. Spring never comes when I want her to. She is either too early or too late...She never arrives on my time table.  New life seems to work that way. 
All of the broken in me, I want fixed right now. I want the shame, the selfishness, the jealousy, the angry thoughts to be washed away...Pronto!
It doesn't work that way though, does it?! The journey of transformation and redemption is a long one. It takes perseverance on our part, and a lot of hard, dirty work on His part. And it may never come on my time table, but it always comes on His.
I would guess that I would not appreciate spring nearly as much if she wasn't preceded by winter. If we didn't have to sit in the dark and dirty of our sin, would we welcome His redemption with as much joy? Perhaps the journey to redemption is part of the redemption itself. 
This morning, as a thunder storm rolls in, promising to feed the life welling beneath my feet, I will sit in recognition of my brokenness. I will stare it in the face...and then pour out thanksgiving to the One who is making me new.

I miss writing. Recently, I was poring through the heart-scribbles of mine that became my healing after my dad's death. There is something so sacred to me about those entries, now held private on another blog. In many ways, writing has been the cathartic I have needed it to be in life's most difficult moments. 
One of my favorite authors describes one of his characters, an artist, as having the wires between his brain and his mouth mixed up so that they run through his fingers instead. I love that image, because in some ways I feel like that can be me too. What I can't say with my mouth, I can pour onto the page. What is a tangled jumble from my lips can be transformed into a surprisingly understandable paragraph on the page. 
I have taken a long sojourn from writing, mostly because I needed to remember THIS. I needed to remember the gift of writing, how God heals and grows and encourages my heart through the pen on the page. 
It's coming back to me, and on this slowly warming spring day, I am thankful. Thankful for the overflow of my heart, for His grace in the overflow, and for fingers tapping away at the keyboard. 
It feels good to be back.

My heaping dose of sorrow

My heart is heavy this morning, for so very many reasons. Last night, I dreamed of babies lost and families broken, of mamas with no way of caring for their little ones. What a broken world we live in, friends. I open the paper and read of tragedy after tragedy. I enter the blog world, only to be reminded that today is Orphan Sunday. The very fact that we have to have such a day brings tears to my eyes.    Even as I sit here with my cup of coffee and heaping dose of sorrow, I think it is good sometimes to be reminded. It is good for me to sit in this deep, deep sadness that Jesus must feel every time he glances down this way. It is good to remember that this world is an ugly place, twisted and scarred and beaten down by sin. And yet, God embraced me with His perfect grace by imprinting a familiar chorus in my head, even as I first opened my eyes:
He is alive and we are free. He is alive and we have found our peace, our King has come.***    Today, I mourn with the broken. God has formed me in such a way that I physically hurt when those I love hurt. And although at times it seems like it would be easier if I was able to callously brush off the hurt and pain of others, I know that God created me this way for a reason. So today, as I sit in the ashes of sorrow seemingly burying the ones He loves, I will sing this song from the top of my lungs. He is alive and we are free...Free from the reign of sin. He is alive and we have found our peace...Even in the midst of brokenness, I can rest assured in knowing that this ugly, broken world is not the end. Our king has come...
Our King is here, among us, mourning alongside us...reminding us that today is not the end. The battle may seem to wage on, but He has already claimed His victory.
Our King has come.
***lyrics from "Our King has Come," by Elevation Worship

When not having a dad hurts

You know those crazy school projects that keep you working through the night and leave you at your wits end? My little brother had one of those today/tonight, and I'm pretty sure it was a painful reminder to him (and my mom and I) of why every kid needs a dad. Sigh. Thankfully, a friend (AKA catapult-builder-extraordinaire/surrogate dad) came to the rescue after my desperate, late-night SOS. Reminder: you don't necessarily have to travel across the ocean to love a fatherless child. Tonight=case-in-point

The Perfect Timing Behind Every Perfect Gift

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Have you ever received a gift that you were through-the-roof excited about? I have gotten several generous gifts in my lifetime, but a few stick out to me as being truly precious and perfect for me at the stage in which I was living. I remember when I was about eight or nine unwrapping a large box holding a piano keyboard , probably to a chorus of squeals and shouts that would have seemed out of place had you not known my budding love for piano music. 
There really is something truly special about a meaningful gift, isn't there?! But what is it that makes a gift meaningful? Could it be that a gift is only as meaningful as the perfection of its timing?  Imagine what it would have been like if I had opened that keyboard gift at age two instead of age eight. I would have had no clue what to do with the black and white keys, much less how to expertly play them or truly appreciate their beauty and significance. Likewise, I would not be nearly as excited to open that same gift today. 
Behind every meaningful gift, including God's gifts to us, is an incredibly intentional timing. The psalmist says, "You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away" (Psalm 139:2). If God knows the number of hairs on our heads and every thought that crosses our minds, don't you think He is probably acutely aware of our deepest desires and longings? 
It is a deeply ingrained part of our sinful nature to assume that God is withholding our best from us. And maybe He is...but could it be that even the withholding is in our best interest? Maybe He is saving some of His most precious gifts to us for a time in our lives when they will hold the most meaning.   Are you aching for something today? Living with that gnawing desire that just won't ease up?  Instead of doubting God's heart for you, remind yourself that, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights" (James 1:17). Yes, maybe He is withholding from you that thing you most deeply desire. Maybe, just MAYBE, He is saving it for a day when you will understand its meaning in the deepest, most intimate way possible...a day when you will rip open that tissue paper and jump up and down, squealing in delight with abundant thanksgiving because that gift inside the box is perfect for you RIGHT THEN. 
After all, God is never early and He is never late. And neither are his gifts.

Empowered to Connect

This past weekend, I had the great privilege (for the second time) of going to this conference. Wow. It was just as good as the last time I went! Dr. Karyn Purvis is an incredible teacher with a mission that I truly believe was ordained by God. She has brought hope and healing to so many foster/adoptive families in their greatest times of need and desperation. 
I realize that there is very little--okay, nothing--that can truly prepare you for the incredible challenge/privilege of loving "kids from hard places." However, the thing that impacted me most this year was how necessary it is to examine your own heart and plow through your "junk" before jumping into the journey of foster care/adoption. Dr. Purvis talked about how impossible it is to lead someone on the path to healing when you haven't even begun to find the way yourself. 
She also asked the hard question, "What is/was your motivation in adopting/fostering?" She read the reasons many teenagers gave as to why their parents chose to adopt them. Ouch. They were very painful to hear (Examples: "It was the good Christian thing to do," "I was the 'mission project,'" "They thought they could save me," etc.). Dr. Purvis talked about how research has shown that the majority of adoptive/foster parents and those doing orphan care in general have the "insecure avoidant" attachment style...meaning they are very good at meeting physical needs but cannot or do not deal with the deep emotional needs that these kids often have. She has found that many people have a passion for or desire to protect vulnerable children because they were once (or are currently) vulnerable themselves. Ultimately, it is the job of the parent to work through his or her own past and current motivations for adopting. Otherwise, he or she may find that a wall of past hurts and unmet expectations stands between the child and the parent, preventing true healing and wholeness. Wow. I am so thankful that God has me in a place of muddling through my "junk," no matter how difficult or painful that place may be...because ultimately, by working through this stuff, I will be freed to be fully present in the lives of hurting kids and better equipped to lead them on a journey to full healing.
Finally, Dr. Purvis really emphasizes the reality that EVERY child who is available to come into our homes through foster care/adoption comes with hurt. It doesn't matter if that child was picked up as a newborn from the hospital or from an orphanage at age 18. God's original design was for a child to be loved and nurtured by a stable, biological family. Adoption is beautiful, but it is ALWAYS birthed out of pain. Dr. Purvis urges potential foster/adoptive parents to prepare for the emotional hurts of foster/adoptive children in the same way that one would prepare for a child coming into the home with a physical handicap. If I knew I was going to give birth to a child with down syndrome, or HIV, or hydrocephalus, do you think I would be reading and studying and talking to experts about these issues and what to expect in parenting a child with those unique challenges? You better believe I would be! She really stressed how important it is to do the same in preparing for the deep emotional wounds that can (and most likely will) surface. 
I don't know what God has in store for me in regard to caring for His children, but I do know that I am doing and will continue to do everything I can to prepare to meet that calling with a heart wide open. My hope is to attend this conference once a year as I am able...I don't think you can hear this stuff too much! And I will continue to read, study, talk to experts, and process my own "issues." More than anything I continue to pray that God would reveal any unhealthy motivations that entangle my heart, and that He would bring me to a place of health and wholeness so that I can be His instrument in leading a precious child of God on the same journey. 
I would encourage any foster/adoptive parent (or potential foster/adoptive parent) to attend this conference. SERIOUSLY. I know I have no expertise to stand on, but I really think this conference should be a prerequisite to foster care/adoption = ) That's just my 2 cents, anyway. And I heard a rumor that TCU Institute of Child Development (where Dr. Purvis teaches) now has a master's program in trust-based relational intervention (the strategies and research she teaches at the ETC conferences). Um, sign me up?

No more meat?

This post will be a rather short explanation on how I came to my decision to stop eating meat. Both of my sisters have been vegetarian for quite some time now, so I have heard first hand testimonies from both of them on the benefits they have experienced from ditching meat. I had been wanting to try the vegetarian thing for a while, as I have had weird digestive and "female" issues for years now and had heard from my sisters that quitting the meat thing had changed a lot in those areas for them. However, I have spent the last 3 years living with different people and didn't think it would be fair to hoist such restrictions on them. Plus, who wants to think about such things while muddling through nursing school? So, I only recently gave it a try.    And seriously. No meat=issues are gone. Incredible. 
I have to add that I also watched a documentary that is really interesting...it addresses different scientific research that talks about what animal products do to the human body. This definitely wasn't the only reason, or even the main reason, why I chose to stop eating meat. But it is something to think about, and maybe look into more.