Changes

I believe that part of my passion/calling/spiritual gifting is encouraging others. I have been thinking and praying a lot about how I can best use this blogging space to do just that...to spur others on in this journey of life.    What draws you to a blog? I have realized that the blogs I follow religiously and truly look forward to reading are those that dive into *real life* and give me a glimpse into a *real person's* struggles, joys, and passions. I want to author a blog like that...I want to write from my heart, to share what my *real, dirty, unedited life* looks like.
I don't know exactly what that new blog will look like or when it will unfold, but it is on the horizon. It is easy to look at someone's little piece of the internet and think, "Gosh, what a perfect life." I don't want that. I want others to read what I write and come away thinking, "Thank goodness there is someone else on this planet who struggles with that! Maybe we can learn how to grow together!"
Part of the process of deciphering what my new blog will look like is examining my heart and narrowing down the message(s) I want to share. A few things that I know I am passionate about are: Beauty...and the battle many women fight to feel beautiful Single living The grief journey...what it looks like to grieve after losing a loved one Kids! Especially those who are vulnerable and alone. Nursing.
I'm not sure if I have many readers still out there, but if you are, what kinds of things do you want to read about?

When your soul is bone-tired...

..."Tell me 10 things you're thankful for" Today I am weary. Not the kind that can be cured with a nap, but the kind that leaves your heart feeling like it is running a marathon. I wish I could explain why, or what sort of marathon I have been metaphorically running, but I don't really even know or understand myself. I'm just tired...drained...empty.
When I was younger, one of my bestest friends in the world, who also happens to be my wise older sister, would always pull me out of a funk (i.e. miserable pity party) by requiring me to do "thankfuls" with her. She would say, "Tell me 10 things you are thankful for." Nothing like being grateful to remind you that life is not all about you pull you out of a funk. Did I mention that she is wise?   My thankfuls for tonight: 1. A picnic at the park with a friend 2. Surviving kids' church this morning...thank you Jesus for wisdom and flexibility! Two essentials when you are dealing with 12 preteen boys. Ha! 3. Iced coffee. Um, yes please! 4. Baby snuggles with the sweetest, most laid back baby I have ever met. For reals. 5. A beautiful day yesterday...building a pond for a sweet lady and her family. Boom! 6. House M.D. Be still my sarcasm/bloodgutsgore/mysteriousdisease-loving heart. 7.  A robin's nest with new life cooking...right outside my bathroom window. 8. Windows. Seriously...spring would not be the same without them. 9.  Rollerblading at sunset...what I am about to do = ) 10. His mercy...which is new every morning. Amen and amen.  

An Open Letter to All the Single Ladies

Source

Dear Single Women, Tonight I threw my windows wide open, picked a new recipe to try, and blasted John Mayer as I filled my kitchen with delectable odors. While I prepared sustenance to feed others, I fed my spirit and thanked Jesus for this stage of my life.
You see, I am not always thankful for these single years. Maybe you aren't either. Believe me, I get it. But sometimes I think we are way to quick to wish away this season of life. You see, there is a freedom unique to single life. Freedom to love hard and big on other people, freedom to spend your time serving and encouraging, freedom to pursue your passions without having to take another person into account. 
I watch so many of you hate this time of life and beg for it to end. I've been there myself. It can be hard when everyone around you is dating, getting married, having babies, and seemingly finding the "spark" of life that is always just out of reach for you. But I wonder...what will we miss if we choose to dwell on what is not instead of focusing on the shower of grace and joy right in front of us? 
Tomorrow, I will:  meet some girls from my small group for coffee  love on some precious kids (not because I have to, but just because I can)  cook and deliver meals to various families facing various trials enjoy the beautiful sunshine while going for an afternoon run spend the evening with my mom and brother. 
No, I don't have a significant other to call or text or hang out with, but tomorrow, I will choose to be okay with that. After all, how many of the above things would I be able to do if I was also juggling all that is involved in caring for a husband and family? I am finding the joy in this season of freedom God has me in right now. 
To all you single women in the same season, I say this: I get it. I know the heartache of feeling alone in singleness, the never-ending dread of those awkward "third wheel" moments, the longing to be known deeply and intimately. I also know that God has given me a unique opportunity to shower His love and encouragement on many people as I cook them meals, send them encouraging texts, take care of their kids, or visit at the drop of a hat when a hug is needed...things I will not always have the freedom to do. One day when I am, Lord willing, married with kids, I hope to look back on this season of singleness and know that I filled these days to the brim with love and passion and encouraging others. 
What about you? Are you choosing to find joy and purpose in this season of singleness, or are you too busy wishing it away? I hope you will choose to revel in the freedom instead of sulking over what is not. Don't let the joy pass you by!
 Love,

Jesus wants His daughters to be powerful

This month, my small group has been discussing spiritual gifts. After our discussion last night, I left with one major conclusion: Jesus wants His daughters to be powerful. 
As we went around the circle, talking about what spiritual gifts each of us has been given, I noticed that we women have unique gifts the world needs.  We are passionate.  We are encouragers.  We are nurturers.  We are emotional.  We are merciful.  And I believe He wants us to be powerful.
Satan would like nothing more than for us to be insecure and lazy. And that's what our culture has allowed us to become, hasn't it?  We are told that our worth and effectiveness is bound up in our physical beauty.  We are told that we are only as good as the men by our sides.  Risking criticism, I might even add that some women are told by the church that they are not allowed to be effective in the gifts God has given them...simply because they are women.  Satan certainly doesn't want powerful women in this world--because He knows what God can use powerful women to do.
Are you living the powerful life God intends for you to live as His daughter? Last week I was reading Proverbs 31. As I was sifting through this passage, I compiled a list on my phone of what a noble woman looks like, according to Proverbs 31. This is what I came up with:

There is a lot of controversy in the church about what a woman's role is, both in the church and at home. I won't delve into that here, but...WOW. In my mind, the above list adds up to a powerhouse of a woman. Imagine if every one of God's daughters were empowered to love Him and serve Him in the ways listed above. Imagine if every Christ-following woman made it her mission in life to serve Jesus with power using the gifts He has given her. What kind of world would we live in?!

Dear Little Brother,

Today is your birthday, and it makes me think of that day I first met you. In many ways, you are the one who made me a big sister. Sure, I was already Big Sister, but I wasn't really old enough to understand it until you came into the world. As I gazed into your chubby little infant face, I only halfway understood what I have come to understand today...that being Big Sister is not only a wonderful privilege, but also a frightening responsibility.

You fill my heart and challenge me in ways no one else does. I cannot imagine who I would be had God not given me you. Your name means, "Jehovah has healed," and "The Lord burns; fire of the Lord." Your Biblical namesake became king at only eight years old, after his father died. Somehow, that is both ironic and fitting at the same time. I have cried many tears for you and for CR, not knowing the effect Dad's death might have on your young lives. The aftermath of that night will remain forever emblazoned in my mind: Hearing you sob gut-wrenching tears over losing your hero and best friend broke me. I have had to trust God with your heart, over and over, believing that He would care for you and Shepherd you as your Daddy, since your earthly daddy cannot be here. 
And He has, hasn't He? He has healed you, and He has placed His fire deep down inside you. He has given you big responsibility, just as He gave your namesake in the Bible. I pray that you will step into your name in new ways this year. That you will know His healing and His fire deep down to your toes. That you will continue to grow in humility, courage, and leadership. That you will step into your God-given gifts with boldness and sincerity. That you will understand in deeper ways your identity as a son of LH and of the Most High God. Dad would be so proud of the man you are becoming. I know I am. I am proud to be your big sister, and I am challenged to love deeper because of you. 

Happy 17th birthday. I love you so much. 

New life

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new is here!" 1 Corinthians 5:17

I have been longing for spring to arrive for several weeks now. For some reason, this winter just seemed to drag on...and on and on and on! So when I woke up this morning to the sound of birds chirping outside my window and caught a glimpse of beautiful blooms as I walked to the kitchen, I took a deep breath and whispered thanks to the Creator of all things new. 
As I sipped my morning coffee, I began to think about spring, and the new life she brings. Spring never comes when I want her to. She is either too early or too late...She never arrives on my time table.  New life seems to work that way. 
All of the broken in me, I want fixed right now. I want the shame, the selfishness, the jealousy, the angry thoughts to be washed away...Pronto!
It doesn't work that way though, does it?! The journey of transformation and redemption is a long one. It takes perseverance on our part, and a lot of hard, dirty work on His part. And it may never come on my time table, but it always comes on His.
I would guess that I would not appreciate spring nearly as much if she wasn't preceded by winter. If we didn't have to sit in the dark and dirty of our sin, would we welcome His redemption with as much joy? Perhaps the journey to redemption is part of the redemption itself. 
This morning, as a thunder storm rolls in, promising to feed the life welling beneath my feet, I will sit in recognition of my brokenness. I will stare it in the face...and then pour out thanksgiving to the One who is making me new.

I miss writing. Recently, I was poring through the heart-scribbles of mine that became my healing after my dad's death. There is something so sacred to me about those entries, now held private on another blog. In many ways, writing has been the cathartic I have needed it to be in life's most difficult moments. 
One of my favorite authors describes one of his characters, an artist, as having the wires between his brain and his mouth mixed up so that they run through his fingers instead. I love that image, because in some ways I feel like that can be me too. What I can't say with my mouth, I can pour onto the page. What is a tangled jumble from my lips can be transformed into a surprisingly understandable paragraph on the page. 
I have taken a long sojourn from writing, mostly because I needed to remember THIS. I needed to remember the gift of writing, how God heals and grows and encourages my heart through the pen on the page. 
It's coming back to me, and on this slowly warming spring day, I am thankful. Thankful for the overflow of my heart, for His grace in the overflow, and for fingers tapping away at the keyboard. 
It feels good to be back.