The new year, 21, and Africa!

I am way behind and have lots to share, so excuse any rambling that commences  : )

While I love the idea of a fresh start, New Year's "resolutions," in my experience, are often a setup for failure. I am so thankful that, in Christ, we have a fresh start every day! His mercies are new every morning! I don't need to wait until a new year to make a new plan!

I have fought against unhealthy eating habits a great deal of my life. For years, my body image and self esteem suffered. As I have continued to grow in the knowledge of Jesus, I have come to a new understanding of who I am, and my self esteem is no longer married to the way I look (at least not nearly as much as it used to be). This new freedom has allowed me to look at bad habits in a new way. My body image is no longer tied to my abillity to break bad habits. However, my health is, and my desire is to lead a healthy life, not only so that I can set a good example for my patients, but also so I can better serve God in the things He leads me to do...not to mention the fact that I just feel better when I am making healthy choices!

I have learned in the past, though, that waiting until Jan.1st to make changes is not necessary, and often leads to the false belief that perhaps everything will be easier when I wake up on New Year's Day! So I have been trying to implement small changes every day throughout the past couple of months, while also remembering that I have a new start every day! I have an amazing sister who gets an email every day with a list of everything I ate that day...the accountability is not only helpful, it is completely necessary! Big changes happen in baby steps...so I will take baby steps! My next baby step, which I am already working on, is exercising regularly, which requires finding an activity I love to do! Several years ago I began running (for the wrong reasons, but running all the same), and I quickly got burnt out. But I am finding that there are parts of running I enjoy, so I have started to get back into it...slowly. Baby steps ; ) So, although I don't really do New Year's resolutions, I wanted to share about some changes I am trying to make in my lifestyle. What are some things you are doing to live a healthier life?

Since I last posted, I started classes again...and I also turned 21! I was blessed in many ways and by many people on my birthday, and I am so thankful for God's continuing grace and direction in my life as I enter "adulthood" : ) My sister took me out for an afternoon the day before my birthday...we had so much fun cooking and bargain shopping together!  To read about some of my other birthday ventures, check out THIS sweet post my friend Amy wrote. In addition to the festivities she highlights, I was also blessed to spend the evening with my friend Rebecca and her family...they showered me with treats and blessings, too! God truly has given me some incredible friends! I can't wait to see where God takes me in this next year of my life...with Him, life will always be an adventure!

Last but not least, guess what happens tomorrow?! Amy and Stephen, or my "second parents," are leaving to go meet their son in Africa! They can't bring him home this trip, but they will be one step closer to bringing him home forever! I will be staying with their 6 other kids, so for the next week or so I will be over HERE documenting our fun adventures while the parents are away! I am so thrilled to see this little guy come home to his forever family...it can't come soon enough for any of us!

I think that's enough rambling for now = )  Please be praying for the kids and I this week, as well as for their parents in Africa!

Christmas...and clinging to the vine

Sometimes I find it hard to put into words what has been going on in my life. I have been home in Indiana (yes, amidst hay bales and cornfields...beautiful if you look at them the right way!) for Christmas.

It has been a special Christmas, mostly because I have taken the time to truly soak in the beauty that brilliantly laces the life God has given me. It has been such a blessing to just BE, to play games and sip tea and read books and enjoy moments of calm with my family. I have loved seeing new glimpses into the ways God is working in the hearts and lives of my brothers and sisters.

This year, God has begun the work of opening my eyes to the beauty in "mundane" life. On Christmas morning, while most of the house still slept (teenagers, mind you), I set out on a walk...the slow kind that leaves room for conversations with Jesus. I was so blessed to see the roads empty and looking like this:
In a way, I kind of got to spend Christmas with my dad...or at least, the snow was a constant reminder of him = ) I also loved receiving this love-kiss from God:
Watching the sun rise through the ice-covered trees was like getting a letter in the mail from God, gently saying, "My mercies are new every morning...and great is my faithfulness!"

Of course, it was wonderful to return from my walk to this:and this...
Simply a wonderful day with family, remembering God's incredible love packaged in the form of Jesus! A gift two thousand years ago...a gift for me today and tomorrow. He is faithful indeed.

If I allowed myself to, I could be overcome by nervous energy and anxiety. I start school again (after a long break...like 3 months long) in 5 days. I am reminded almost constantly of my inadequacy, of my desperate need for the VINE. I am so thankful I can be a branch and not a vine, that I can turn to Him for strength and courage and grace when I most need it.

I was reminded recently that I cannot live in a state of complacency. God clearly led me to nursing school, but I can't assume that I'll just fly through with no challenges or redirection. I cannot fall into the trap of relying on my own strength to complete what is before me. And I desperately don't want to. In 2010, I saw God provide for me in miraculous ways. I experienced what it was like to throw myself completely into God's hands. I passed tests and skills checks and board exams I shouldn't have passed on my own. As I head into 2011, I find myself once again on my knees, begging Jesus to remind me, once again, of these words:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).
Bring on 2011!


This year, Lord willing, I am anticipating:
*what?! I'm gonna be 21?!
*147 million minus one! A special baby finally coming HOME forever!
*a medical mission trip to Guatemala...more on that soon
*completing 4 of 6 remaining quarters of school
*learning more than I could ever fathom now
*continued healing from a grief that began 1.5 years ago
*continued growth in my relationship with Jesus...a daily journey I am thrilled to be taking!

Honestly, I'm more excited about what is NOT on that list...Never know what twists and turns God will throw in my plans!

Tell me about your Christmas...and what you are looking forward to as 2011 nears!

Christmas: A Wailing Package of Hope

Boy. 'Tis the season...to be SICK!
Since my head is clogged
(sorry for the graphic language...),
I thought I would share a post
I wrote last Christmas season.
Although sometimes it seems
so abstract to me,
I am praying that Jesus
continues to open my heart
and prepare me
to celebrate His birthday.
How are you preparing for Christmas?

oh, and if you are a camera junkie,
check out THIS giveaway...cute
camera strap!

***********************************

Christmas, the day we celebrate God incarnate, is just 2 days away. And yet, as I walk the dirty, snow-crusted sidewalks of Chicago, a great tsunami of sadness beaches atop my soul. Here we are, 2000 years past that stable birth, and creation still groans in longing for what she does not recognize to be among her folded skirts.

My cardboard Starbucks beverage container is printed with these words, in festive "holiday" colors: "We invite you to listen to your desires and to renew your hope. To see the world not as it is, but as it could be. Go ahead, wish. Its what makes the holidays the holidays."

If only we WOULD listen to our deepest desires, desires we have tried to kill, stifle, and silence since before we knew they screamed. If only we WOULD hope--not the kind of hoping that wishes for what cannot be, but the kind that rests in what WILL be. If only we would stop searching for what cannot be found--a world "as it could be"--and opened our eyes to the depravity of what is. Only in such a reality can we relish in the beauty of the gift birthed centuries ago--a gift that still echoes with the strains of a beautiful love song: "Hold on, Love. Don't give up now. A covering for your naked soul is here."

My sadness is cradled in that little phrase: "It's what makes the holidays the holidays." What? Wishes? Impossible utterings begging the unknown? Seeing the world through rose-colored lenses of naive imagination? The "holidays" are most certainly a bleak reminder for some of longings never to be satisfied. This is what I know: A baby King, God's human form, born in a filthy cave-barn, is what makes CHRISTMAS Christmas. A letter sent to man from his Creator, promising redemption, salvation from an invisible bondage inflicting visible pain. A wailing, pink flesh of HOPE--promises fulfilled, with a P.S. tag reading "LOVE is among you." Yes, Jesus is what makes "the holidays the holidays." He is the reason I can look into the sad eyes of so many I encounter, trying to follow instructions and "wish for what could be" but never will be, and say on the wings of a prayer, "Merry Christmas!"

For some, it will be just another day of heartache and loneliness, an always-present reminder of all they have to wish for. And it was to them that perfect, squalling package was addressed.

Amid the tidings of wishes and false hope this Christmas, aim to be a faithful deliverer of that package to those who need it most.

The Mingling of Life and Death: The Day My Daddy Went to Heaven

My dad and I shortly before His Heaven birthday

I rarely write or talk about the day my dad died. I try not to even think about it very much. There is a song, though, that plays on the radio every once in a while...and reminds me of that day.


I have not yet had the experience of birthing a child. I can only imagine that it is an incredibly spiritual experience...to take part in bringing life into the world, what a privilege! Even so, the pain cannot be bypassed.

The day my Daddy died, I thought of the painful process of childbirth. Just as a baby slowly lets go of his home in the womb, my Dad was slowly letting go of his home on earth. It was painful. It was heartbreaking. But the presence of God in that room was almost tangible. My Dad spent a lifetime walking with Jesus and praying, "Be still, my soul...He is." For the first time, as he was painfully birthed into the realm of Heaven, he was face to face with the One who was, is, and is to come. His soul was quiet.

As I sat by his side that day, reading aloud scriptures from Revelation describing the new creation, tears trickled down his cheeks. He had been unconscious for many hours by that time, unresponsive to our voices whispering "I love yous" in his ear. I don't know if those tears were merely another sign of failed control over bodily functions, or were truly in response to what I was reading. Either way, we sat and cried together for the last time. My Daddy was literally hours away from experiencing the glory of the new creation. I could almost HEAR the world fading away and the soft whisper of Heaven calling as my Dad was ushered into the presence of Jesus, leaving only the shell of his body for those of us who loved him so much.

Thinking about that day hurts. I don't like to dwell on it, mostly because, at the end of the day, I sat on that bed without a dad. But the experience of watching life mingle with death, of FEELING the world fade away as the presence of God consumes a place and takes one of His own HOME...there really is no way to explain or describe it. At the beginning of that week, LH was a husband, a father, a friend, a brother. As his physical body faded, and as he painfully breathed his last breath in the womb of this earth, he was birthed into Heaven...where he was simply HIS.

Life out of death...Be still, my soul...be still. He is.

Ladies and Gents...

We have snow = )

Every time it snows, I think of my dad. A couple of years ago, we had a massive snowstorm in my hometown...the largest in probably a couple of decades. The schools ended up being closed for a week as they tried to clear the roads enough for us country bumpkins to make our way to school.

Well, if you knew my dad, the story I am about to tell you would not surprise you at all...

As the snow "flood" began, my daddy eagerly asked me if I would go on a walk--no, a 4 mile trek--in the elements with him. I was either crazy or overly gullible to the boyish grin on his face. We bundled up and set out, hoisting our legs through the deep mounds of snow. We went in a square, or four "country blocks" as my dad called the longer-than-normal miles we traversed. The third mile was on a usually busy highway, now completely dead due to the road closures. The snow blanket produced a quiet I had never before and have never since experienced, interrupted only by our heavy breathing. As we finally trudged our way back down the driveway, some hour later, our cheeks and noses were pink and our mouths were stretched across our faces in the goofiest of smiles. Hiking in snow when the streets are dead (driving was forbidden by emergency crews) and all human life is securely locked and cozy in dry homes has that kind of effect on you = ) We may have been crazy, but that snowy trek is one of my most treasured memories of that man.

Oh, how he loved snow.

Powerful video

One of the most powerful videos I've seen in a while...

God, give me your heart for your children...so much so that I am moved to act on your behalf.

Rest...and a deep conviction

So much to say...so much on my mind. I'm enjoying the forced stillness required by an airport layover. Take a guess where I've been : )

Quiet Waters Park...so beautiful!

After a long, busy couple of weeks (with some hard days thrown in there) I was given the gift of a sabbath-rest kind of trip to Annapolis, MD, where a dear friend currently resides.
Do you ever just LONG for a renewed spirit, for the kind of rest that allows your heart to breath deeply and sigh in exclamation? I'm learning how important it is to answer that call. After all, God commanded us to rest...perhaps he knew we would need the command in a culture that lures us into the vortex of busyness. And while I didn't need to fly across the country to find rest, I was privileged to be able to do just that!

As I sipped coffee while also soaking in the breeze off the water, I was overwhelmed by God's gracious provision of soul-deep rest.

The view I enjoyed on my morning walks

I'm convinced sunsets are a love-kiss from the Creator himself! And I'm partial to sunsets over the water!
Can you guess where my friend recently graduated from?

If you guessed the US Naval Academy, you would be correct = ) She had to work the football game, so I got to take in all the festivities from the stands.

Other trip highlights included a DC day trip, dinner at a local hole-in-the-wall situated on the water (incredible crab cakes!), times of prayer together for dear friends facing various trials, a morning of thanksgiving and reflection remembering God's faithfulness to both of us throughout the past year, lots of walks enjoying beautiful fall weather, and a soak in a bubbly jacuzzi. I know, I am incredibly blessed!

As I spent some time reflecting on the abundance of things I had to be thankful for this year (while also listening to the lapping of waves), I was overwhelmed with a deep gratitude for the perspective God has given me in the past year. Perspective is not always fun, and it can be incredibly lonely, but it is always good...especially when it is God's perspective. I'm not sure I can accurately express what I mean, but please hang with me as I try to convey what has been weighing on my heart. Two years ago, I was faced with the brokenness of this world in a totally new way...a way I would have preferred not to meet. Through my dad's illness and death, my eyes were opened to a whole new world. It was like I had been seeing the stage before, only now the curtain had been whipped aside and I was seeing the mess of backstage in bright light as well. Many people don't understand my new perspective. Some people understand all too well. While I don't always appreciate the new lens through which I see the world, it has forever changed my life and the way I face each day.

Yesterday, my friend and I visited the Holocaust museum in Washington, D.C...a very powerful experience, to say the least. Unfortunately, the use of cameras is prohibited, or I would have taken pictures to share with you.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out --
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out --
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out --
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me -- and there was no one left to speak for me.

~Martin Niemoller (engraved on wall of Holocaust museum)

I was deeply, deeply disturbed by what I saw, but the thing that saddened me the most really had little to do with the past. As I walked by gruesome image after gruesome image, and read about how very few people were actually brave enough to stand up to the horrors they knew were going on WHILE they were going on, I was gripped with the reality that the same thing is happening today. We mourn the abomination of the Holocaust and condemn the people who caused so much death and tribulation, and rightly we should. And yet today, there are millions of people starving to death, simply because they live THERE and we live here. There are more young girls than we can even count being used as sex slaves, girls who long ago gave up hope of rescue. There are children being orphaned every day because their parents did not have access to drugs we hand out like candy here. There are thousands upon thousands of people who will die tomorrow, simply because they had no access to clean drinking water. And on and on and on. The truly sickening reality is this: When faced with such horrors, IF we are faced with them, we turn away. We click the red X, we punch the POWER button, we close our eyes. Just like they did.

The question that haunts me is this:

WHAT WILL IT TAKE?

What will it take for people to wake up? To stand up and take action? As God's people, we should be in the front lines of those seeking to bring justice to this world. With the new perspective God has given me, I am very well aware that the world will be a broken place until Christ Himself makes it new. However, we are called to be His image bearers, to be a light to a dark world. To seek justice, to stand up for the oppressed. To play a part in bringing restoration and healing to the brokenness. We are sleeping, though.

There were many times in that Holocaust tour that I was sorely tempted to close my eyes. The images were piercing and will forever be imprinted on my heart. As I am faced with current needs, with the many desperations that scar the world today, there are also times I want to close my eyes, to ignore brokenness that overwhelms a world I want to pretend is perfect. God calls us to live with open eyes, though. To ignore the urge to shout "lalalalala" when we get uncomfortable. To reach past our own relatively easy lives, to educate ourselves and our children about the needs in the world. To stand up for the broken.

I could easily get overwhelmed. There is so much brokenness, too much hurt for me to even comprehend. But God doesn't call us to be saviors...He calls us to be open to His work, to seek out His work and join Him in it. Brokenness is not a thing of the past, or a thing on the other side of the world...Brokenness is on your doorstep, in your churches, throughout your workplaces. Brokenness is everywhere, in many different guises. Will you close your eyes to it, shout "lalalala," and continue to live in the plush comfort of your own little world? Or will you be one of the few to stand up, to raise your hands in surrender and say, "I'LL go...USE me, God, to play a part in bringing your kingdom here on earth"? The choice is ours to make.

"Don't excuse yourself by saying, 'Look, we didn't know.' For God understands all hearts, and he sees you. He who guards your soul knows you knew. He will repay all people as their actions deserve" (Proverbs 24:12).

I'll leave you with one more picture from my trip...while I could go on (I'm in a chatty mood, I know...), I am entering a Thanksgiving technology fast.

So farewell Maryland (I really enjoyed everything you had to offer!), farewell all, and Happy Thanksgiving!